Dustin D'Addato - The Blog Version

Cars for Christmas

2007-12-17T22:59:00.000-05:00

Don't be a douche. Even if you can afford it, don't get your wife or husband a car for Christmas.

You see, it's not all about you Mr. Fancy Car man. You get the big hug and kiss and John Q Not-a-douche looks like a Scrooge McDuck over here simply because he hasn't dropped 30 grand on Christmas. Where do you go from car, huh? House? Organ? Child? That's setting the bar pretty high for the rest of us, don't you think.

Seriously. Don't. I'm serious. You're sensitive and have a ponytail, don't you. I hate you so much.

Give Thanks This Year for Crazy People

2007-11-14T00:23:00.000-05:00

Sadly I have never had the chance to hire anyone for a job. I make you this promise, if ever I have the chance I am going to hire the most bat shit insane person I can find.

Let's face it folks, work sucks. A lot. The only thing that keeps it remotely interesting is the person who everyone agrees is crazy. Take for instance the following two conversations I have had with coworkers.

Conversation 1:
Me: So you finally got health insurance. That's great.
Person 1: Yeah. I haven't had a physical in a few years. It will be nice to get check out and make sure everything is okay.

Conversation 2:
Me: So you finally got health insurance. That's great.
Person 2: Yeah. I'm so glad we have dental. My husband's teeth all dissolved out of his mouth from drinking Pepsi and he needs teeth.
Me: He couldn't get dentures or something.
Person 2: He did, but when our house burned down a couple of years he forget to take them so he hasn't had any teeth since then.

Now let me ask you, who is the more entertaining person there. Don't you want to know what person 2's husband decided was more important to save in the fire than his teeth? Don't you want to know who person 2 thinks is planning on taking over the world. (It's CBS. I still don't fully understand her logic.)

I would love to be surrounded by those people. I can guess what normal people are thinking, but it's the crazy people that make conversation at work worth having.

If You Are Going To Be... Be Bad Ass

2007-11-08T23:00:00.000-05:00

Cops have guns. But criminals have bigger ones. How do you battle that? Give cops bigger guns? No. Ban larger guns in this country? No.

I have the answer. Don't give them bigger guns, give them two guns.... and gold plate them.

Then the criminals will know, these aren't normal cops, these are bad ass super cops. Two guns means, "I know how to to handle myself and I am full on prepared to shoot criminals on not one side of me, but on both sides. Bring it on. I am going to shoot you and make a joke about so the last thing you will ever hear is the sound of me mocking you for breaking the law."

Criminals doing want that. They hate being mocked. And they hate bad ass super cops. I mean sure, super criminals and evil geniuses enjoy the challenge of a good super cop but how many of them are still around today. 4?

And the gold plating on those two guns says "I am such a good cop that I am rich. They pay me extra because criminals don't stand a chance."

So let's get on it NYPD. Our boys in blue are out there every day placing their lives on the line for us. The least we can do is hook them up with a pair of bad ass guns. Or maybe you can hook me up with with a pair of bad ass guns... Or an iPhone. That would be cool. I really want an iPhone.

You're going to look me in the eye and say that?

2007-04-26T22:30:00.000-04:00

I had a physical a few days ago. When I told my doctor that I sometimes get swelling in my ankles she suggested I use support hose under my clothes. What? Seriously?

This woman had the balls. The Gigantic Ball to look me straight in the eye and suggest I wear support hose. I am a thirty year old man. I have not given up on life. I put on a few pounds in the last few months, should I wear a corset too?

Come on Doc. If I am going to listen to you about anything you have to show me that you are at can be trusted. Think about it, even if I was giving you the best advice in the world, if I started the sentence with something like, "the goblins that life in my bookcase told me about this," you would totally stop listening. Well, it's the same thing. There are an equal number of goblins living my bookcase as there are self respecting dudes who wear support hose under their cloths.

I would tell you the other advise she gave me, but to be honest I stopped listening right around, support hose.

It's Okay Atreyu, There's Nothing To Worry About. Or Is There?

2007-04-01T20:32:00.000-04:00

When i arrived home today I saw that my landlord had placed all the buildings garbage on the curb. Laying very prominently in the pile was a large broken mirror. On it was a HUGE note that read "BROKEN MIRROR".

Who is this note intended for? I can see that the mirror is broken. After much deliberation I determined that there was one of two possibilities.

First Possibility: The person who placed it there was concerned that people might see it and be concerned that passersby would think that it was a portal to an alternate universe that was being destroyed.

Second Possibility: It is an alternate universe that is being destroyed and the person who placed it trying to keep it a secret. That bastard! I hope alternate me is okay.

Hang Up The Phone Tycho!

2007-03-28T18:36:00.000-04:00

I hate talking to people when I am in the bathroom, but at least I know they are in the bathroom. Today i saw a person peeing while talking on the cell phone's wireless headset. I hope at least he warned the person. I know personally when it's my bathroom time I need to pay attention. One tiny break of focus and watch out shoes (and I like my shoes, even though they hurt my ankles a little bit. why do you hurt me so, shoes? Why?).

And there is that moment of fulfillment when the task is completed. You can't hide that. People can sense it in your voice even if you don't make a sound. Now the person on the other end of the phone has to hear that? That is uncool.

There is nothing so important that you can't put it on hold to go to the bathroom. Just ask Tycho Brahe (depending on which report you believe. If you believe the Mercury thing, then ignore the reference. If you don't know what I'm talking about, read a book!).

People I Like - It's Coming Back

2007-02-11T21:51:00.000-05:00

When Mundial closed last year things looked dark for People I Like (The show I host) but it March it will rise from the ashes. And this time it will be bigger and better. Our new venue has a three camera studio and control room. We'll be posting everything to the web and launching a new site with a bunch of great content. The dates of the new shows for March will be Saturday the 10th and 17th at 10 pm. Look for the line-ups to be released soon.

Number 18 in your programs, Number 17 in your hearts.

2007-02-04T23:19:00.000-05:00

So today's post is a response to a friend of mine. She's got a great sports blog that you should totally check out. Apparently she has tagged me and therefor I must respond. So here it goes. It's in response to the question: What if I were a hockey player.

Team: New York Islanders
Uniform number: 18
Position: Goalie (butterfly style)
Nickname: D-Wall, Stretch, The Vacuum. Hoover

Dream linemates: (or in this case, back-up goalie) Chris Osgood. Good enough to back up but not good enough to take my job.
Rounding out the PP: NA
Job: Guy who passive aggressively guilts people into working harder. In charge of yelling "watch the guy in front". Stopping pucks. Having a cool helmet.
Signature move: Blocker save the pops the puck straight up and then i slap it with my stick to my teammate waiting up ice for a breakaway.

Strengths: Passing really well. Amazing ability to slash at people's ankles if they are standing in front of me. Able to catch a fly with chopsticks all karate kid style.
Weaknesses: Bad peripheral vision. Fear of getting hit in the face.
Injury Problems: Bad knees. Inability to look up for extended periods of time
Equipment: All black equipment so you can't see the puck it hits me. Kelly Hrudey style blue headband (I don't wear it. I just keep it with me for strength)

Nemesis: Jagr. The Capitals.
Scandal involvment: Saying "Seriously dude, shut the hell up" every time a reporter asked me how I felt after doing something bad.

Who I'd face in the Stanley Cup Finals: The Dallas Stars. They are so boring that everyone will be cheering for us.
What I'd do with the Stanley Cup after our victory: Take it to my old high school. Find the biggest dude and hit him with it.
Would the media love me or hate me: Love me. Because it would always make for a good story when I said I hated someone. Trust me. I would hate a lot of people.

Hugh Grant - Dude Kryptonite

2007-01-28T19:44:00.000-05:00

Is there any guy on the planet that makes other guys turn the channel faster than Hugh Grant? I submit there is not. The second you see him you know you are about to see a lame ass romantic comedy that will make your girlfriend cry and you want to throw up. Couldn't he just shake things up for once. Hugh, give Tarantino a call man. He made Travolta seem a little bad ass. He'll come up with some crazy shit where cut out a guys spleen and make a scarf out of it (all to a catchy song). Then maybe guys will leave your movies on for more than 8 seconds.

Seriously. Just shoot one dude in a movie. Not learn your lesson about love in one frickin movie. Shave your face with a pocket knife. Laugh as two dogs fight in a pit. Something. How am I going to take you seriously if you spend all your time acting like a romantic English dude? American men, and when I say American men I mean all American men, every single one, hate romantic English dudes. I'm just sayin' Hugh, it's a good idea.

I'm a gadget nerd

2007-01-22T08:35:00.000-05:00

I just got a new phone and it can connect to the Internet and that is pretty much all I have done since I got it. I was literally sitting next to my computer (which can also very easily connect to the Internet) and I was still using my phone. I am usually pretty good at not spending money on stuff that I really don't need, But when it comes to gadgets, I'm like a drug addict. I'll steal money from a nun if it will help get the next cool thing.

When You Think About Magic

2007-01-08T23:46:00.000-05:00

I was thinking about Magic today. I hope that one day I have the ability to do magic. Now it's very important for you to understand when i say this that when I say "magic" I mean actually doing impossible things. Not being some lame illusionist like David Copperfield or David Blaine.

But if in order to do that magic I need to use a magic wand, I think it might not be worth it. Let's just get real for a second here folks, the magic wand is the pocket protector of magic. Shooting fireballs out of your hands, now that's cool. I would shooting fireballs out of my hands all day long if I had that power. But having to take out a dinky little stick to shoot a fireball. By the time I reached into my bag, took the stick out of it's sheath (If I am going to have a wand I am not going to get it scuffed) and pointed it the whatever needed fireballin' I would have probably already lost interested (or eatin by the thing that needed fireballin' because fireball necessitating things are usually good at sneaking up on you).

And don't even get me started on potions...

Sometimes It's Better To Fail - Isn't that right, Balls Mahoney

2007-01-04T23:00:00.000-05:00

After working VERY late this Tuesday I happened to turn on some pro wrestling. Yeah, that's right. I said. I watched Pro Wrestling. I don't "watch" Pro Wrestling. But on this night I happened to watch it. On this night I discovered that if you have a dream and you work hard and you give it your all, you just night succeed. And that sometimes that's the worst thing could possibly happen to you. I discovered a wrestler by the name of Balls Mahoney.

I know they need wrestlers to beat otherwise the good wrestlers wouldn't stand out but how do you don that to a man? How do you look a grown man in the face and say, "Sir, from now on you will be known as Balls. Balls Mahoney. And not only that. You will not be very good." And before you get all up in my face and be all like, but Dustin, Balls was ECW tag-team champion 3 times, twice with Spike Dudley and once with Masato Tanaka, I say to you...shut up! You are such a wrestling nerd.

I really hope that if I ever reach my dream of being a Professional Comic they don't make me take the name Nuts McGee (although in this one particular case it might actually help my career . Who's going to remember the name Dustin D'Addato?).

Have you noticed more whipper snappers around

2006-12-17T23:51:00.000-05:00

Let me preface this entry by saying I AM NOT GETTING OLD.

Have you noticed more punks (aka whipper snappers) around lately. Young kids who think they are the funniest, most clever person alive? I have. They're always on the train talkin' all loud on their walkie talkie functions on their phones. It's a PHONE you little brat, just call them. Why the hell do phones have a walkie talking function on them? The technology is has been made obsolete by the very device that it's on.

I saw a couple of girls sitting on the floor of the subway the other day. That just burns my oil. That's right, it burns my oil. I've never said that before, but yet it came so naturally to me. That's how much it upset me. Look little girls, we all want to sit on the floor sometimes, but we don't because it makes everyone's life harder because they have to look out for you so they don't step on you. (okay, maybe not everyone wants to sit on the floor of the subway, but the point is I don't like having to pay attention to anything I don't have to pay attention to.)

As i type this I can't help but think that I am getting closer and closer to being a "get off my lawn" type old man. But I'm not and I'll tell you why. Because when I get to that age I'm going to be "Crazy Ol' Mr. D'Addato". Because I'll have a sign on my lawn that says something like "stay off the lawn or I will haunt your dreams" or "Beware of the boogie man, because he's real" or for the older kids i would put up a sign that says, "Stay off lawn! No one will miss you. Trust me". Plus I will have a back lit cut out image of me with glowing red eyes in the window.

Man I'm looking forward to doing all that stuff. I better get old soon. It's gonna be great.

Oh, You Said Exotic...

2006-12-12T00:20:00.000-05:00

Am I the only one who thinks that people should be a lot more careful with their use of the word "exotic" in print. If you are anything like me, the first time you read the title to this blog you thought it said Erotic. I alway always alway see erotic when it says exotic. Which conjures up all sorts of crazy images when I see signs. Like, what the hell are Erotic Fish? Can I really get a cheap flight to a bunch of erotic locations? And specifically from today, I wonder how an Erotic Smoothy tastes. Now that I am thinking about, it's probably pretty disgusting.

Times Indians Won

2006-12-10T21:51:00.000-05:00

Yeah, sure Indians got a raw deal. They lost their land. They were the victims of genocide (which again, is not funny). But they did win in two places:

Sitting - Go ahead, name another group that has a way of sitting named after them? None! You can sit Indian style or normal style, but that's it. You can sit in like 30 different way, but we honored them with a name.

Burial Grounds - You go anywhere near an Indian burial ground and some crazy shit is going to happen. Ghost will try to eat your kids. Your dead cat will come back and hiss a lot. Walls will tell you to move. An average burial ground is spooky but an Indian burial ground is like a super natural power crazy place.

So, you know, they got that going for them...and casinos.

(it's possible the Indian in Indian style sitting refers to the other type of Indians, the kind from India. If that is the case, oops. Still they have the Burial Ground thing.)

Testing Something

2006-12-07T18:52:00.000-05:00

Hey, I'm trying to get all modern like and test another way to blog. So if you see this and you're like, what? Why is he blogging but not writing about anything, well, it's because I am testing something.

And why can't you ever give me the benefit of the doubt. Seriously. I try really heard.

The Magic of Holiday Plastic

2006-12-03T23:40:00.000-05:00

I am a complete believer in real Christmas Trees. As soon as you smell one you are instantly like, "damn, now that's frickin' Christmas" (I don't know why you swear so much). My grandfather had the ability to argue a $100 Christmas tree down to $15. That's my grandfather on my father's side. My grandparents on my mother's side had a fake tree. It was a nice little tree, at one point that is. Not by the time I was old enough to remember.

For some reason that I will never understand, every year my grandmother would take the tree out of the box, put it together and (and this is the unusual part in case you don't pick up on in) she would cut the tree to make it symmetrical. As far as I can tell, and please correct me if I'm wrong. but plastic does not grow. I mean, I've heard about a lot of advancement in plastics. But I don't think my grandparents had space age technology put in their Christmas tree. So each year the tree got smaller and smaller.

I once introduced the concept of labeling each branch so she would never have to cut it again but I was a child. I figured there was something that i just didn't understand. Now, 25 years later, I still don't understand.

Look What I Did!

2006-11-28T08:20:00.000-05:00

Hey y'all. A few weeks back I mentioned that I worked on something with a real life muppet dude. Now it's done! You can check it out here: www.dogshowusa.com. Click on the "video" tab and then choose the button that says Dog Show USA. There are 4 "Webisodes" there. I did those.

Please remember they are intended for super dog lovers, not comedy elitists from the LES. But it's still cool. While the dog in it is not technically a Muppet (because it's not owned by Henson) the guy who controls it does regularly work for Henson so it's pretty damn close.

Don't Mess With A Good Thing!

2006-11-22T00:42:00.000-05:00

Over the last few days I have heard a lot of people talking about their plans for Thanksgiving. One thing has struck me (and by struck me I mean upset me and slightly pissed me off) about the plans I have been hearing. Most of them DO NOT involve eating Turkey. I've heard getting Chinese Food. I've heard making a Ham. I've heard doing nothing at all.

I know I am prone to non fancy or different food, but god darn it all to heck, Thanksgiving is about turkey. The pilgrims came here so we could eat it! Millions of Indians died so we could eat it (there's nothing funny about that. I don't even know why I said it. Genocide does not get funnier as you get further away from it you heartless bastards).

Why do I care? Because America is a melting pot. We have different cultures. Different religions. Different holidays. But we all share Thanksgiving (except for the previously mentioned American Indians. And for the record it's still not funny what happened to them. It's really tragic and immoral). When you start messing with the one tradition we all share you are just being a douche (and by that I do not mean that you make women feel spring fresh in their naughty place).

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving!

Comic Relief 2006

2006-11-19T21:07:00.000-05:00

So this past weekend was Comic Relief 2006. If you're like me you didn't know they were still doing it either. As a comic I ask this, PLEASE STOP.

Look, I love charity and those that give to it. People need help. In this case they were raising money for Katrina victims. Great cause. So why am I against it?

Because Whoopi, Billy and Robin never need to be on stage again. Yes they are icons of comedy and yes they have all made me laugh a lot. But they are done. They fell victim to the Eddie Murphy syndrome. They got old. They lost touch. They love money more then laughs.

If they are going to do it again they should step aside. I could think of a few comics who love charity and need exposure. (I'm talking about me!)

Yeah, I drink like a girl. You wanna fight about it.

2006-11-13T00:03:00.000-05:00

Listen, I admit it. I don't like beer. I never have. What makes matter worse is that I do like Bacardi Silver and Smirnoff Ice. So yeah, I drink like a 14 year old girl from Long Island. But like the kids who eat Apple Jacks, I drink what I like.

I didn't drink all that much in college and not at all in High School so I never developed a taste for beer. And that's what people are doing. Developing a taste for it. Beer is nasty.

But I admit it. Much like smoking, drinking beer looks cool. Damn you peer pressure!

Now do you get it teenagers!

2006-11-08T23:46:00.000-05:00

Tonight I was all set to host my show, People I Like. I was really looking forward to it. I mean, sure it was raining like it had been 3 of the last 4 times but I was not to be deterred. I was going to get there early and I would ready. Then I got to the venue, Mundial. I think you can see where this is going.

Apparently they had been closed down because of underage drinking and no one decided to tell me. See teenagers, when you drink you don't just hurt yourself. You hurt comics who are just trying to get their name out there. People who may be frustrated about having to find yet another venue. But you don't think about that do you teenager? You are just thinking about that next high. Or is it fighting authority that you are thinking about today teenager? Forget it, Authority is going to kick your ass.

I hope you are happy drunk teenager.

Check Out Acid Test!

2006-11-05T01:45:00.000-05:00

For those of you that don't know, I am currently directing a live improv show called Acid Test. The first Saturday of every month we present two awesome improv groups. But it's not your typical theater show. We've got a full on control room and three cameras and we are taping the whole thing. Then we stream it to the internet.

Check it out at www.acidtest.tv. It's pretty cool. Ryan Sturt is producing the whole thing and is the internet wizard behind the whole thing. We had a great show tonight which should be on the web by Monday morning.

I didn't have to go to bed this time!

2006-10-30T23:44:00.000-05:00

When I was 6 and living with my grandmother and mother I was the subject of cruel and unusual punishment. I was forced to go to bed immediately before the start of the Muppet Show. What? The show meant for kids and I had to go to bed. I was pissed.

As I grew older I was eventually able to stay up and watch and I loved it. So many dynamic and hilarious characters. The Muppets were and are amazing. Whether you are talking about the huge heart and little body of Kermit the Frog or the tragic comedy stylings of Fozie Bear you have to admit they are great characters. And they are so real, so life like.

Well guess what I did today. I directed a shoot with a real life Muppet puppeteer. While technically the puppet in this shoot was not a full on Muppet, it was damn close. I. Dustin D'Addato got to call the shots on a Muppet. I was not disappointed. The little guy was everything I hoped it would be. I should be posting it on the web in the next month or so. Until then I just wanted to brag that today I got to hang out with a puppet and got paid for it.

We Must Protect The Children

2006-10-29T08:17:00.001-05:00

There is a terrible threat facing out children today. It's not drugs or gangs or the return of communism. It a PBS show called Boobah.

Okay, so maybe it is kind of drugs because this show is the most tripped out thing I have ever seen in my life. Look, I know this show is for kids, but come on man.

The basic idea of the show, as far as I can see, there are several creatures that are actually balls of light that only have a round body and eyes. They can't talk. They can only move their eyes back and forth in a very shady fashion. They spend 90% of the episode dancing around in a rhythmic fashion. They can fly. Their whole world consists of brightly colored rainbows and white energy areas.

As I suspected I am not doing a very good job explaining it. Here is the website http://www.boohbah.com/. You tell me what's going on that website. Once you click past the home page, there are no words. It's just craziness. And if you live in NY, you can check it out every morning on wliw (Channel 21 on Time Warner) at 8 am.

This show is going to really mess with kids. It's messing with me. I'm watching it right now and they have a little girl standing on a rainbow circle on a golf course looking down and then standing up over and over again for like two minutes. There is no redeeming quality to this show. I am 100% certain this is children's programming brought to you by the producers of High Times.

Watch it and let's discuss.

Saving Money Is Hard

2006-10-17T23:39:00.000-04:00

Do you have any idea how hard it is to save money in this city? You probably do. I mean, when you are paying $5 for a coffee and $10.50 for a movie you know that money is just flying out the door for no reason.

The reason I bring this up is because I've found out today how often people try to scam you. I purchased something over the internet today and they totally lied to me. They added costs they didn't tell me about at first. They told me something cost $125 bucks when I know full well that is should only cost $35. I thought I was going to get a good deal, but instead I just got pissed off.

I'm not mister consumerism and I hate to defend big business, but I am getting a better understanding of why big companies get big. After I told the website to go screw I checked in on a big companies website and they had the same thing, with a long warranty and free delivery for only a few bucks more.

As much as it sucks, Starbucks coffee is really good. The seats at the $10.50 movie are very comfortable and the big chain actually deserves to be a big chain. All those things may be the reason that other countries hate us and why a lot of people here hate us, but they are also why America is so fun. And I like fun.

Happy Birthday To My Lady

2006-10-12T00:34:00.000-04:00

Today is Joy's (my girlfriend) birthday. If you see her please wish her a happy birthday. I felt it only right to spend some time talking about her.

For those of you who don't know her, she's pretty cool. She's one of the most supportive people in the world. She is always looking to make sure everyone is happy. I seriously recommend her, but you can't have her she's mine.

It's been my experience that you meet a lot of people in life who want something from you. People who are only looking out for themselves. When they see good things happen to others they get jealous or bitter. Joy couldn't be any less like that. She gets excited for others when good things happen for them. She's always trying to do whatever she can to help people achieve whatever they are seeking.

She's got an amazing curiosity for other cultures and other places. She has no fear of putting on a backpack and going to another country all by herself and just playing by ear.

And best of all, she's silly. She makes me laugh.

She'll deny it, but she's one of the best people I know. Anyone who knows her falls in love with her pretty quickly. Forget what I said before, if you see her, do more than wish her a happy birthday, make sure she has a happy birthday. Give her a hug. Or come chocolate. Or Ice Cream.

Watch Out For Stationary Objects

2006-10-08T19:59:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I full on walked into a pole. It was one of the scaffolding poles. It was dark. I was talking. I just didn't see it. I have a small bump on my head now and a messed up collar bone.

Lately I have found that I walk into a lot of stuff. Often hurting myself. I estimate that I hurt myself by being a dumbass about once every four weeks. Which is an increase of this time five years ago. At my current rate of dumbass injury I should be in a wheelchair by the time I am 38 and completely paralyzed by the time I am 65.

Why am I sharing this information with the world. Because wheelchairs are very expensive, as is taking care of a person who is paralyzed. Rather than having a big fundraiser later on, I thought it would be easier if everyone just saved 25 cents a day for my wheelchair fund.

Seriously, this is going to happen people and I would be really helpful if I could get one of those really cool electric wheelchairs. Like this one...

(p.s. if there is an optional grenade launcher option I would really appreciate that also.)

Come See Me Tonight - if you're not a communist

2006-10-06T09:03:00.000-04:00

So if you haven't seen me perform in a while or not at all or just want to see me again, you are going to have two great chances in the next week.

Tonight I will be doing a 25 minutes set at the P.I.T. on a show called Comedy is for Humans. Here are the details for the show:

Comedy Is For Humans
(TONIGHT) Friday, October 6th @ 8pm
The Peoples Improv Theater
154 West 29th st.
New York, NY
212.563.7488

Next Wednesday I'm hosting my show "People I Like...". We've got some awesome stand ups coming to the show as well as a bunch of special guests for the show. Here are the details for that show:

People I Like...
Wednesday October 11th @ 8 pm
Mundial
505 12 Street (between Ave A & B)
New York, NY

I'll Miss You Stealing Bartender

2006-10-03T23:01:00.000-04:00

I found out that the bartender at one of the venues I go to a lot was fired a few weeks ago. Apparently he had been giving people less change then he was suppose to and then keeping the extra. I guess if you want to be a stickler for morals, then what he did is wrong. But he gave me free sodas. I know that doesn't sound like much of anything but I really like soda. I like it more when it's free. We had our little thing. I would only ever order soda. I would always offer to pay and he would always say no. Then I would tip him a dollar. We would chat about what comics he liked and who sucked.

He was a cool dude, except for the stealing (but who doesn't steal sometimes. I could tell you stories, trust me). I will miss him. That's it. No jokes.

It's just interesting how people come in and out of your life and you never even realize it. I mean there are the big ones that you realize. The exgirlfriends and boyfriends. The good friends you moved away from or grew apart from. But there are plenty of smaller "bit" players in your life who just come and go. In a year or two I might not even remember who the hell I am talking about right now. I'm not saying that this a bad thing or a good thing, just that it's interesting.

When You Just Can't Eat

2006-10-01T23:18:00.000-04:00

When you just don't have time to grab a regular meal here are some suggestions:

Skittles: They are very filling. You can go another two hours off a bag of skittles and if you eat only a few at a time they can last a while. But don't get tropical fruit. That's not a meal.

Doritos - The are even more filling then Skittles and more tasty. Problem is, you're hands get all orange. However, orange is one of the main food groups, so it provides calcium or protein or something.

Gummy Candy (preferably the soda bottle kind) - While not full on filling, if you ear enough they can give you "stomach issues". That solves all your hunger needs.

How I Know My Girlfriend Loves Me

2006-09-28T01:15:00.000-04:00

Tonight was the first People I Like show at our new venue, Mundial. We had some great sets turned in by all. We're still building an audience for the show so we didn't have as many people as would have liked.

Mundial is judging our worthiness based on how many drinks our sold so it was important that people drink a lot. When is it began to look like the bar was not going to be as busy as we had wanted my girlfriend Joy took it upon herself to carry the weight of the show and drink, drink drink her way to a successful show.

Right now she is passed out on the bed, in the cloths she had on all day, occasionally looking up and saying "I don't feel so good." She drank so much that she now feels horrible.

She drank that much because she loves. And that's cool.

People I Like... This Wednesday!!!

2006-09-25T23:56:00.000-04:00

Nick Turner and Dustin D'Addato Present:

New from the Producers of "Poker Night" comes "People I Like."

People I Like @ Mundial
505 E 12th st. between Avenues A & B
Wednesday, September 27th
8:00 pm ABSOLUTELY FREE!
Our Frickin Amazing Line-up:
Shayna Ferm (Fearsome, www.shaynaferm.com)
John Mulaney (Live at Gotham, Oh, Hello, www.johnmulaney.com)
Kurt Braunholer (Hot Tub, Neutrino, www.hottubvariety.com)
Nate Bargatze (Caroline's, www.myspace.com/)
Baron Vaughn (Aspen Comedy Fest, Winner: Sexiest Motherfucker in the
World Contest)

Check out the line up above (incase you don't know, that's a frickin amazing line-up. Ever one of those people are frickin hilarious. It's going to be an AWESOME show.)

Come to our new location, Mundial, (505 East 12th st. btw Ave A and B)
And it's not $5 anymore, it's free. And it's our first one
and we want to make a good impression so if you're thinking, "I'll see
this sometime," then make that sometime this time.

See Ya At The Show!!!!

Websites:
People I Like - www.peopleilike.blogspot.com
Nick Turner - www.gonickturner.com
Dustin D'Addato - www.dustindaddato.com

Don't Send My Regards to Broadway

2006-09-22T00:06:00.000-04:00

I haven't been to a Broadway in a while. Odds are you haven't either. Today I had to head over to the area to buy tickets to a show for my parents. (it's their 25th anniversary. Way to go them!!!). I got them tickets to Jersey Boys (don't worry, they already know about it. It's the only thing that they wanted so it was what I had to get.)

When i got to the ticket office I found out that the soonest you could get any two seats anywhere in the theater was 4 months away. The soonest you could get them in the first 5 rows of the mezzanine was mid March. God damn it!

Okay, maybe it's a good show (although i doubt it) but think about that for a moment. There are about 600 Seats in the theater, 8 shows a week and 25 weeks before I can buy a mezzanine seat. That's 120,000 people seeing this show. And that's at an average of $100 a seat.

I produce a show, which is very funny and free and I can barely get 20 people in the door for an average show. Come on Jersey Boys. Stop taking all the people. Just give me something like 50 a week. That will have no effect on you at all, but to me, I will be happy every week.

If I ever see you walking down a dark street Jersey Boys, I am going kick your ass.

The Last Baseball Post For A While!

2006-09-21T00:19:00.000-04:00

I played little league for three years. In those three years we won the "world series" of our little crappy league all three years. The second year, we only lost one game. That last year we won every single game.

During that entire time I never contributed to one out. Not one! I mean, really what are the odds of that? 3 seasons. 15 games per season. 9 innings per game. 3 outs per inning. For those keeping score at home, that's 1215 outs. I never helped with one of those outs. It would seem like I would have had to have gone out of my way to accomplish that task, but to me it just comes natural.

However, I did score the winning run in the "world series" the second year. Here's the story. It's the bottom of the 8th. The score is tied. 1 out. I'm up to bat. Before the I got up to bat the coach pulled me aside and said "Take two strikes before your swing". For those that don't know, that means, "you can't hit to save your life, so hope for a walk". You know what, it worked. I walked on 4 straight balls. Next up, the best kid on our team. He crushes the first pitch. It's high. It's far. It's caught by the outfielder. I tag up. The outfielder throws to first instead of second. I round second, head to third. The first baseman over throws third. I break for home. The third baseman over throws home. I score. We hold on for the win. I get covered in beer even though I am 10 years old.

6 Thing You Should Shout at Baseball Games...

2006-09-19T21:27:00.000-04:00

Hey (player you don't like) you don't stand for good family values!!!

I'm content with your performance thus far (your favorite team).

Stop sucking!!!

Play better baseball!

You should practice the fundamentals!

Nobody like you (player you don't like)!

The Mets Win...so that happened.

2006-09-19T00:22:00.000-04:00

Tonight I saw the New York Mets clich the N.L. East title for the first time in (I have no idea) years. I'm a Yankees fan, so to be honest with you I didn't really care all that much about the Mets doing well but hell, I'm from New York, so Go New York, Go New York, Go New York, Go!

Here's my question, and please if you know the answer respond, who do we still do the Daan danta da CHARGE! chant. I understand "We Will Rock You". I understand that Gary Glitter song, but the Charge thing, isn't that from the Revolutionary war? We're still using chants from the revolutionary war? I think we can put that to bed at this point. Haven't we learned that other than America's independence, everything that people did, said and every way they acted was wrong. Slavery. Getting really pissed about Tea. Cobbling.

Stay tuned for tomorrow when I will be blogging my list of fun things I like to yell at baseball games that I think other people should yell out too.

Seriously, The Q Train????

2006-09-17T23:31:00.000-04:00

Has anyone else noticed that at night the Q train comes like all the time. I take the N and it seems like it's 5 Q trains for ever N. Are that man people taking the Q? I know exactly 2 people who take the Q and neither of them want to be taking the Q. Does that mean the Q is just a pity train?

How can the Q train live with itself when it knows that the G train only comes about once every 4 hours and never on the weekends.

Check Out Eli Whitney Tonight

2006-09-17T09:35:00.000-04:00

If you haven't seen it yet, I'll be showing "History That Happened: Eli Whitney" tonight at video showing show. It's a video I did with Kristen Swensson and Nick Turner.

Here's the deal with the show:

Video Night at the East River Bar

Sunday, September 17
7pm-Grillin/8pm-Screenin
97 South 6th Street between Bedford and Berry
(take the L train to Bedford or the JMZ to Marcy)
FREE!

Join New York Citys finest comedy troupes at the East River Bar for an evening of grilling and video comedy sketch screening. The grilling starts at 7pm its BYOBBQ (feel free to bring meats, veggies, and other assorted sundries/the East River Bar will handle the beer), and at 8pm, the patio becomes an outdoor movie theatre.

Lineup Includes: A Week of Kindness, Fearsome, The Bare Hand Wolf Chokers, TheBurg.tv, Trophy Dad, Dawghaus, Elephant Larry, Favorites from Channel 102 and me.

If you can't make it to the show, you can check it out on Youtube.com by clicking here

Firefox - Get Up On It.

2006-09-16T20:12:00.000-04:00

Yo, you gots to check out Firefox. I just discovered that bitch today and it's off the chain y'all. Like so dope I am talking in street slang son. Firefox pops a cap in the ass of pop-ups. Ads on a page are as gone as (something).

Check it, before you wreck it, (by it, the first time I mean Firefox, the second time I mean yourself. In otherwords, don't wreck yourself. What would be a really funny obituary though. Today we are here to remember (your name) who had to leave us so early because (he/she/it) totally wrecked (himself/herself/itself). It would sound funny, unless Ice Cube was saying it.)

Hey, I'm back

2006-09-13T22:08:00.000-04:00

I'm back but I'm not telling anyone I know. Heck, no one reads these things anyway.

I've got news too. Poker Night is coming back, but this time it's going to be different. First of all it's got a new name, it's called "People I Like,,,". There is a bit more to the title, but I don't know what is it.

You don't know the name of your own show, you ask. No, I talked about it with my co-producer Nick and he wrote it down. At least I hope he did. I think he did.

The format is going to be a little different too. Longer sets. Fun sketches. New Venue. It's going to be a whole new thing. Not like any other show you have seen.

Poker Night - May 9th

2006-05-02T20:58:00.000-04:00

Hey, the next one is coming up. You should check it out. Who will be there:

Seth Herzog
Claudia Cogan
Josh Grosvent
Gabe and Jenny
Trophy Dad

DJ Tanner (katherine bryant) will be spinning tunes and Jack Kukoda will be returning as a guest co-host.

See ya there.

Monster Ballads - You know you love it

2006-04-17T23:12:00.000-04:00

Let's all admit it people. When the commercial for Monster Ballads comes on, there is a part of you that goes, "Fuckin' Yeah." Monster Ballads rule. I believe that when history looks back on music compilation CD's that Monster Ballads will be known as the best CD ever to be printed. It is the Citizen Kane of CD compilations. The Mona Lisa. The sliced bread. The Double Stuffed Oreo that’s also covered in chocolate of music.

So you’re asking yourself, why is this CD so good? Why could it possible by be the resurrection of Christ in CD form. I’ll tell you why, at least for me. People it deals with the internal paradox that is living within me. Everybody knows that there are two parts of me.

Part 1: The God Damn Butt Kickin’ Party Dude
If you know me, you know I love to party. Party Harty Marty, I always say to Marty. Much like Poison I enjoy Nothin’ But A Good Time or like Warrant, I enjoy Cherry Pie.

Part 2: Sensitive Ass Mother F’er
I admit it. Sometimes I just gotta cry. Gotta get it out. I gotta know, Is This Love. I need to understand it in More Than Words. I guess I just need Something to Believe In.

You see, if these hardcore rockers can take it down a notch, then so can I. I can still be the guy who isn’t afraid to cut a guy for looking at me the wrong way, and then cry a tear because my lady doesn’t understand me.

Thank you Monster Ballads for telling me that it’s okay.

Do something nice!

2006-04-11T08:34:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine is involved in a really great fundraiser to help cancer survivers this weekend. Please take a moment to check it out, attend if you can.

www.forchrisinda.org/events.htm

Poker Night - Returns Tomorrow

2006-04-10T08:37:00.000-04:00

Hey,

Poker Night returns tomorrow and this one looks awesome. Look at this line up:

Baron Vaughn (Aspen Comedy Fest, Comedy is for Humans)
Kurt Braunholer (Hot Tub, Nuetrino, Chengwin)
Becky Yamamoto (Brutal Honesty)
Sara Schaefer (Best Week Ever. Sara Schaefer is Obsessed with You))
Elephant Larry (D.C. Comedy Festival, SketchFest TV)
And guest host: Jack Kukoda

Stop on by. We'll be at:
Ace of Clubs
9 Great Jones.
8 pm on Tuesday April 11th

Why Did It Take So Long?

2006-04-05T08:10:00.000-04:00

What is the most amazing invention of the last 50 years? The Internet? Cell Phones? NO! Come on people, it's the chocolate fountain. My only question is, what took so long? It's a river of amazing chocolate, perfect for you dip things in it.

It seems to me that something like this should have been invented before the cell phone. It was easier. It in many ways makes people happier. I remember the first time I saw one. It was at the wedding of a good friend of mine. People looked at it as though it held the cure for cancer and all they needed to do was place a strawberry on a stick and dip it in, and all of their problems would be solved. And in a small way they were. People who are happy live longer. So I think the fountain is a cure for some stuff.

Sure you may say that the fountain is also a cause of being fat. Okay, yes. But isn't that why we invented the internet and the cell phone? So we wouldn't have to move....Ever!

Caroline's Went Great

2006-03-30T08:16:00.000-05:00

For those of you who couldn't make it to Caroline's, it went great. I was so proud of all the Skeegers. It really was a great show and the audience loved it.

If you don't know the history of Skeeger, the whole thing started in a now defunct theater above the famous porn theater Show World. It was a rough going for a while and the group went through many transitions. To come this far was amazing. I felt so happy for all of them. They accomplished so much in what is really a small amount of time.

Good job Skeeger!!!

Skeeger At Caroline's

2006-03-27T08:14:00.000-05:00

Tonight, March 27th at 9:30 pm the sketch group that I direct, Skeeger is performing at the world Famous Caroline's on Broadway.

They will be performing the funniest sketches of the last three years on one of the biggest comedy stages in world. If you are free tonight I suggest you check it out. It helps out a lot if you make a reservation. You can do that by calling, (212) 757-4100. Make sure you say you are going to see Skeeger. That helps us out a lot and it gets you a reduced rate.

See ya there tonight.

Oh, and you can find out more about skeeger at skeegersketch.com

That Satan Is One Clever Dude (sources say)

2006-03-23T08:14:00.000-05:00

When I was in college, the guy who lived next to me was very Catholic. As a very not religious person, one of my favorite activities was to ask him questions that would undermine his faith in the bible.

Examples:
If the whole bible is true, but Genesis has 2 stories of creation, how can both stories be true?

According to the Bible, before Jesus died, there was no heaven. Isn't that a dick move to all the people who lived before Jesus?

Babies can't get confirmed, so they can't go to heaven. Is that not also a super dick move by God.

But my favorite question and my favorite answer that he gave was for the following question: What up with dinosaurs? His answer - Satan. That's right. Satan created dinosaurs. Why? To help destroy people's faith in Christ. I laughed for like 20 minutes. Apparently, Satan understood that we would one day come up with the theory of evolution and made sure that his bones matched ours close enough.

The thing is, after I though about it for a while. I was like, damn, I know that's totally wrong, but if it was true, that Satan is one clever dude. I mean, if he puts a big burning flame in the sky that says Jesus Was Not The Son of God, well then we totally know he is. But bones are so subtle. So if it's true, way to go Satan, because you totally got me.

(oh, and as far as the questions above. God can do anything and we can't understand it, but both stories are true. Yes, both of those two things are a dick move, but God has his reasons for anything. Which just made me wonder, why would you be into someone who's such a jerk to you. Is it like a wife who gets beaten. Is it just that we don't understand how much God loves him. That whole thing sounds kind of sad to me)

The New Other Blog Launches Today!

2006-03-20T12:59:00.000-05:00

Hey,

My new other blog lauches today. It's different then the one I promoted a few weeks ago. But check it out.

http://thebeechairdebates.blogspot.com/

I am doing it in conjunction with several other people. So it should be updated daily.

Come To Poker Night and Other Blog Delay

2006-03-14T00:57:00.000-05:00

Hey. Come to poker night tonight. It's going to be a great show and Nick is going to LA for a while you want to see him before he goes.

Also, the other blog will be delayed for a week, but it's going to be good. Even better than I thought it was going to be, so start getting excited.

Poker Night, Next Tuesday & Yanni

2006-03-08T23:26:00.000-05:00

Next Tuesday, March 14th @ 8 pm is the next Poker Night.

They have been going to great. We've got a bunch of funny guests and an awesome Sketch Group.

And this will be the last show with Nick for two months. 2 months... What will we do without him? It makes me sad to even thing about (just go with it, he's reading this)

Oh, and Yanni beat his girlfriend. I love that. I love everything about that, (except for the woman getting hit. That should never happen ever) But the fact that it was Yanni. Great! I want Yanni to hit me. Please. Yanni, I think you suck, punch me in the face. I think I would hit him back and intentionally break my hand. That way people would say, "Hey, what happened to your hand" and I would say, "I broke it punching Yanni." Then they would say, "Nice!"

That's a conversation I want to have.

The Times, They Are A blah blah blah

2006-03-06T20:41:00.000-05:00

So starting next week, from the exciting world of Dustin D'Addato Productions (I just made that up) comes a new blog address and focus.

So where is it going:

http://hownottosuck.blogspot.com/

It's a guide to making your life better, in a very untouchy feely kind of way. It launches next week. So check out the initial post for more info and check back next week.

As for Dustindaddato.blogspot.com, will be updated weekly and be more personal and focus more on my comedy career and how it is progessing. See you at both I hope.

Check back tomorrow for exciting Poker Night info

Screw the Sex Pistols

2006-02-26T23:44:00.000-05:00

That's right, I said it! Screw the Sex Pistols. They just turned down an induction into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. I know, I know. It fits in with the whole Anarchy thing. But guess what Sex Pistols, you were never that good. It was the time and place that you came up.

You made one frinkin' album. One. And you think you are the best thing to happen to rock ever? Pearl Jam make 2 great albums. Guns N' Roses made 1 and 1/2. You made one. So when the R&R HOF calls, you show the fuck up and say thank you. You weren't geniouses. You were crazy people who could play music. Like Charles Manson but not as charasmatic.

Granted Bob Seger and The Sex Pistols should not be attending the same ceremony. I'll give them that. But then punch Bob Seger when you see him.

And why aren't they dead. They should be dead. I don't wish death on them, but I can't figure out how they are alive. They're all like 50. And in all that time, they only wrote one album. They say because they never needed to write another one. Well, you're wrong...Stupid Sex Pistols.

Swept Away...By Curling

2006-02-22T20:40:00.000-05:00

Curling Fever, it's an epidemic people. The country can't get enough. From the "Curl Girls" Cassie and Jaime Johnson to Pete Fenson and Joey Polo, Curling has been rocking everyone's world. Or maybe just mine.

So far it has been bitter sweet. The girls only managed to win one game. If only Cassie was as good at Curling as she was at looking good, she would have won all her games (that picture is her). But the men are doing well and if they win on Friday they could bring home the first ever US Curling Medal. So that's something

But here is the thing I found out. All the people on the girls team and all the people on the men's team are all from the same town. ALL OF THEM. A town of 20,000 people has given us all the Curling people. I very much doubt that all the best curlers in the world the US come from there. Which makes me think...I should move to that town and become a curler.

I could be 4 years away from representing the United States in Curling. How hard can it be. It's shuffleboard on ice. Granted, I am not very good a shuffleboard. But I am decent at hockey. So that's got to mean something.

But I want to be a rock & roll curler. I am all about talking shit during the game. Playing music. Picking a team name that will inspire fear like "The Curl Killers" or "The Enders" (because each inning is called an "end"). And of course I would have a sterling silver skull on the end of by broom.

Curling world, you are about to be rocked. And if anything ever happens between my girlfriend and I, then Cassie, you are also about to be rocked....(maybe, I am okay with us just getting to know each other. You know, learning about each other and seeing if we have anything in common. Seeing if we share common views and goals. Appreciating each other as people. But again, that's only if something happens to my girlfriend, whom I love very much)

But I Will Still See It...

2006-02-16T07:46:00.000-05:00

First off, let me say that I generally don't like Paris Hilton jokes. There are some that are funny, but for the most part I think she is an easy punchline. But there comes a time when you have to mention her because the world has made it so. Today is that day.

According to internet superinfo place IMDB.com Paris Hilton is being considered to play Mother Teresa. Don't believe me? Check it out. (http://www.imdb.com/news/wenn/2006-02-16/) That is the worst casting that has ever existed in the history of casting. You could have Jamie Foxx playing George Washington and I would say okay, he pulled off Ray and a bunch of other guys. Who knows. I would buy Tom Cruise as MLK jr. He's crazy but he makes fun movies. I'll check it out.

But Paris Hilton as Mother Teresa. Hasn't she been screwed enough. The chick hangs with lepers for like 50 years. Eating dirt and peeing in a hole in the ground. Then when she dies and should get a hero's funeral, Princess Di goes and gets killed and suddenly it's like Mother who?

Now she is to be immortalized by one of the most superficial people ever. Can't we help a brother out. What's Chalize doing? She can do it. Someone has to stop this. NOW!!!!

You Look Sick...And Ugly!

2006-02-11T21:34:00.000-05:00

Being sick sucks. You feel bad. You feel gross and you just want to hide in your bed until you feel better. But all to often that's not possible. You must venture out into the world even though you don't want to.

And for some reason people feel the need to point out to you your sick. And often not politely.

Example conversation:
You look sick.
Yeah, I'm not feeling well.
No. I mean you really look bad. Are you okay.
Yeah, I'll be fine.
Are you sure? You look horrible.

When else is it okay to say someone looks horrible? Why is it suddenly okay now? The sick person is already down, now they have to struggle with being ugly also. People should lie.

Example conversation:
Are you sick?
Yes, why?
Because you look hot.
Really, because I feel like crap.
Well it looks good on ya. You should get sick more often.
You think?
Oh yeah, listen if you're not doing anything right now, might I suggest me?

Then people would not mind being sick. And thinking positive helps people get healthy. So don't be a dick, screw a sick person.

Presidential Truth or Dare

2006-02-09T21:53:00.000-05:00

And I want America to win. Everything. No matter what it is. For 2 weeks every 2 years I love America and I hate every other country in the world (except Italy). I am totally captivated by the whole thing. No matter what the athletes are competing at. They could be playing Hockey, Beer Pong or Truth or Dare.

That makes me think. You know what would be even better than the Olympics, if all the worlds leaders got together every two years and played truth or dare. Then if our leaders want to keep secrets they would have to embarrass themselves. Do you think it would be worth it to Bush to tell the truth about the reason we invaded Iraq to avoid having to the truffle shuffle. I know I want to find out.

If we all vote for it, they can't say no. Let's get the word out people.

According to CNN... Part 1

2006-02-07T08:39:00.000-05:00

Enjoy this first post in a list of many that will be based on stories that CNN Reported.

Apparently according to CNN, new car smell is toxic. And Teflon, that great product that makes it possible for me to burn the hell out of food and then not have to scrub it for hours after causes cancer.

First, scientist, let me say thanks for looking out for all of us. Second, screw you. Lie to me you bastards. New car smell works. Now you have to tell me it's because less Oxygen is getting to my brain. Did you ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, my brain gets too much oxygen as it is.

And Teflon causing cancer... You know what, don't start knocking down ideas until you have an alternative. Come up with a great "other" Teflon and I will listen to you. Otherwise stop trying to help me.

Science, you officially have 1 week to tell me that Doritos cure childhood leukemia. What are you waiting for science, go do it!

Home Movies (No, not those kind)

2006-02-01T23:59:00.000-05:00

My I suggest a TV show to you. It's called Home Movies. You can see it weeknights at midnight on the Cartoon Network. It's hilarious. It's subtle. It's great.

They have a great collection of guest voices and all of them are great.

The show is about three kids who shoot home movies (that are generally horrible), their soccer coach (who never actually coaches and should not be anywhere near kids) and Brendan (the main character) mom.

I think the people who did Dr. Katz are involved in it.

That's all watch it. But do me a favor, watch a few episodes. It's been my experience that whenever you tell someone to watch a show, they catch the episode where something that never happens happens. Don't do that. It's worth enjoying.

Don't Meet Me At Foxwood's

2006-01-30T18:38:00.000-05:00

I could never live near a casino. Here's why...

1. I am not an Indian.

2. I believe in being "due". (Slot machines apparently do not)

3. Old people freak me out. (Can someone explain to me how in normal life I never see someone with an oxygen tank. In a casino I usually see at least 3)

4. Buffets hold so much promise, and always disappointing.

5. I am powerless against small Asian men. (okay, this only holds true in casinos. But for some reason any time the dealer is small and Asian I lose my money very fast. I am not saying it is the fault of Asians as a whole, but just these Asians. But think about it people, what are the odds. They are small. Which means they are tricky...tricky Asians)

6. Shiny things make me want to touch them. (I would be so busy touching all the shiny things in the casino I would never get to eat. Except at the buffet, {see point 4}.

7. I don't think it should cost 25 cents to pull a lever. (I just don't. I enjoy levers. Believe you me, I love levers. But 25 cents, for one pull. It seems like we are forgetting why we went into Iraq in the first place.)

That's all for now...but there are other reasons. That I will save for my trip to Vegas in March. That's right, I just listed reasons I hate casinos and then I am said I am going to Vegas anyway. Got a problem with that! (Don't hit me, I'm fragile {but in a manly way})

A New Focus...

2006-01-26T23:45:00.000-05:00

I have been looking around the world of blogging and discovered I may have infact made a mistake with my current blog. It lacks focus. It lacks a point. It is simply random thoughts and observations of a guy most people don't know. I provide no other information other than the things that I hate.

I need a focus. A selling point. A reason people would come back day after day. I need a purpose. I need to provide a service. Otherwise , it's just me rambling.

But what focus. What thing do I do better than anyone else? What service could I provide? Any ideas? Please post a comment about it. I am open to all things.

I've got a couple of ideas, but I want to know what the public wants. All two of you...

Messing Up At Work

2006-01-25T22:36:00.000-05:00

It totally sucks when it happens. But worse than that, is being accused of messing up when you didn't. That give's you that "grrrrrr" feeling on the inside. I once worked for AMC and and i often got yelled at (and I mean YELLED at) all the time for nothing.

But you know what's worse than that. The preemptive yell. That's like fourteen extra rrrrrrrrrrrrr's. When you are doing the right thing and someone give you attitude anyway. You should totally be allowed to smack that person. Any comment you could make would not get the job done. The only acceptable thing is violence.

"Hey. Make sure you don't do that thing you've never done or even thought of doing." or "Hey. That think you asked me about to make sure you got it right. Don't get it wrong!" Those are the types of comments that are not made by productive members of society.

Can we all email our congressperson and tell them that we should make it legal to hit preemtive yellers. Or at least incorrect yellers.

Good Bye WB

2006-01-24T23:43:00.000-05:00

Incase you didn't know this, before long there will be no more WB (or UPN, but who watches WB). The two are combining to form one network. Now some may say, "Great! They only had 1/2 a network's worth of shows!". To you I say, shut up!

Listen, everyone knows that the UPN never had a good show, save the year they aired Buffy The Vampire Slayer. But the WB had Dawson's Creak. And um....Buffy in the early years. And Angel... Where else will we turn for 20 something acting like 15 somethings?

I need dramody. I need teen angst. I need quirky people doing crazy things. Is Fox going to give it to me? No. They would air American Idol 24 hours a day if they could. And CBS is too busy doing forensic investigations.

I for one say, I will miss you WB. Before you go, may I make a suggestion? WB: The College Years! I am telling you, it will work! Sort of....

A History of Violence

2006-01-23T23:47:00.000-05:00

I can honestly say that I have never backed down from a fight in my life. I never went out looking for one, and I have been really afraid that I would get my ass kicked, but I have never backed down. I even beat someone up once. Well, not beat them up...

Here is the story. 3rd Grade. P.S. 30. Lunch time. Playground. There I am. Playing baseball (with a tennis ball and a wiffle ball bat) (We weren't allowed to use an actual baseball). This kid was picking on me. I forget his name. But I remember what he looks like. He was thin and wirey. He kind of looked like a rat. He loved to just piss people off and then run away. He was doing that to me. He would say something. i would chase him. He would get away.

Finally I decided that I was going to take a stand and insult him back. Oddly enough, no one had ever tried that. (We were in third grade. We were not smart.) He got mad. Really mad. There was no longer a need to chase him. Homeboy was coming after me.

He charged, and I mean charged. Head down and full speed, he was coming at me. As he got closer I got worried that he was really going to hurt me. Then.....I stepped to the left. That's all it took. He blew right by me. Tripping along the way and falling flat on his face. He cut himself all over. So much so that he had to go to the nurse and may have needed stiches (I may have added the stiches to make the story better).

I had totally kicked his ass without even touching him. I actually learned a lot that day. i will pass it on to you.

Mad people are stupid. They are so blinded by being mad that they often make mistakes that give the perfect chance to take them down. You would be amazed at how often you can solve your problem with a mean angry person by stepping to the left.

Homeless Conversation

2006-01-22T23:46:00.000-05:00

Last Wednesday i had one of the most unusual encounters with a homeless person that I have ever had. I was standing on the platform, waiting for the train as I am one to do. I had a show that night so I was going through my set in my head. I accidently made eye contact with a homeless woman.

For those that live in the city, you know what that means. We're friends now. I knew the second we made eye contact that she was going to speak to me. I wondered what she was going to say. I hoped she was not an angy woman. I personally was pulling for religion. I don't mind being called a sinner every know and then, it's probably true.

So there I am, ready for a crazy homeless woman encounter. She smiles as me. None of the teeth in her mouth were the same color or pointing in the same direction.

She turns to me and in the most articulate (if not english) voice I had heard in a while she says, "that shirt looks really good o on you. Most men are afraid to wear purple, but you really pull it off." I could not have been more startled if she told me she was an alien.

She continued to tell me that I should also try pink or lavender because she also thought I would look good in those colors. And you know what, I DO!

So not all homeless people are crazy. Some are very helpful.

Gonna be better soon

2006-01-19T22:22:00.000-05:00

I'm going to be better at this whole blogging thing. I should be writing more and I am going to. That said, what do I write about tonight?

So Bin Laden released a new tape today. It reminded me of my little 9-11 story. So here is a small part of it.

I was on Canal street when everything went down. I had to walk to park slope brooklyn. If you know me, you know that I never know where the hell I am going directionwise. My plan, walk to a bridge, stay along the water until something looks familiar.

So I get into brooklyn and I am walking through a part of town I have never been in before. I am listening to the radio in my headphones. They are telling about all the planes that are missing and everything that is going on. It was scary. I was on edge.

All of a sudden I look up. What do I see? A man pointing a shotgun at me saying, "Don't fuckin move." Yeah. I almost shit myself. Apparently I was walking past a lot where armored cars drop of money and an armored car was pulling in as I walked by.

Still. That is the wrong day to do that. That's my little story. I'll have more soon.

Poker Night 2

2006-01-08T18:11:00.000-05:00

We're doing another Poker Night. It's Tuesday, January 17th at the Ace of Clubs again. The new line up is not going to be officially announced for about another week but I can assure you it is going to be a very funny show. Come see it. It could (but probably won't) change your life.

A New Years Miracle

2005-12-27T22:00:00.000-05:00

In my entire life I have only made the mistake of trying to go to Times Square for New Years once. If you never have, don't. It's cold. It's crowded and if you have to go to the bathroom you can't come back. And guess what hot shot, they have it on TV, just watch the damn thing on TV.

But I made the mistake and I went one year. The plan: Find a bar. Drink at said bar. At 11:30 go to Times Square. See the ball drop. How did it turn out? Two words, "Yeah, right!"

First of all, you can't get into bars in NYC without paying a cover. No problem, you say. Just pay the 15 bucks. But it ain't no 15 bucks. It's like 75 or 100. Yeah, you get open bar, but I don't drink that much. I'm not having 20 drinks so I am not paying your obscene cover. How dare you try to pull that crap on me.

So, no bar. Therefore, no drinks. So it's New Years Eve. We're stone cold sober. It's 15 degrees out and we are wandering the streets with no destination. At around 11:15 we decide it's time to head to Times Square. Turns out, you have to commit a little bit sooner. 8 hours sooner. We couldn't even see the ball from where we were. Or see a clock.

But I have to admit that the people that were surrounding us were very nice and everyone was drunk and happy. It was nice.

By this point I am sure you are thinking, this thing is called New Years miracle. So where is the damn miracle. Here it comes.

The ball drops (theoretically) and we all cheer. In the excitement someone knocks off my glasses (at the time I had glasses). I had just paid 300 bucks for those suckers. I instantly freaked. I'm in a crowd of like, what, a million people and I just dropped a see through object onto a floor covered in glitter. There was no way I was finding those things.

With the power that previously had only been seen when a car falls on a baby and a mother needs to lift it, I pushed the entire crowd back so no one would step on them. And within a matter of seconds a friend reached down and grabbed them. (I didn't even try, I was holding back a million people).

It's not a big miracle. But to me it was like Jesus reached out and said, here are your glasses back, you little scamp. Be more careful next time.

The Comedians Of Comedy

2005-12-18T22:59:00.000-05:00

For those of you who have not heard of it, Comedy Central is airing a show called The Comedians of Comedy. It follows 4 stand up comics on a comedy tour and shows all the fun behind the scene stuff. This show seriously could not have been more made for me unless is was a show called, "Hot Chicks That Secretly Want To Sleep With Dustin Talk About How Hot He Is And How Much They want to Do Him."

It's so interesting to see a bunch of comics who I consider to be successful dealing with their own personal frustrations over the fact that they don't think they are successful. It's funny and it's a good look into a place that I one day hope to be in.

You should check it out.

My watch

2005-12-15T23:24:00.000-05:00

The battery to my watch died last week. This week has been hell! I am a slave to time. Deadlines. Rehearsals. Lunch. I need to know the time for all these things. Without a watch I am screwed. Now some may say that you can see the time almost anywhere you look. That's true. But I like it on my wrist.

There are many people who don't like to wear a watch. How do they live? With some many things based on time it seems like you would be late all the time. Do they think they are too cool to be on time? Listen my friend. Being late is UNCOOL!

Am I some how a square for wanting to know the time? Am I a square for wanting to be punctual. Am I a square for using the word square?

I don't believe in fashionably late. Well, I mean I have heard of it. I've seen people try to do it. But I think it's better to be fashionably early. So that when the host is all worried that no one is going to come, there you are to pay them back for the party. As a host, do you ever like the fashionably late people? No. You don't. You like the person who comes 20 minutes after the party is supposed to start and brings beer and chips. And who wears a watch.

I need a new battery soon. Time, I miss you....

One Of The Worst Ideas Ever...

2005-12-07T23:35:00.000-05:00

So I read an article today explaining that Coke was coming out with a new drink. If you know me, you know I love coke. I cut them all sorts of slack because the drink tastes so good. But now they are going to far.

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/2005-12-07-coke-products_x.htm

Coke is developing Coke-Cola Blak. A coffee flavored soft drink. No! I say you can not do that Coke. I forgave you for New Coke. I forgave you for putting lime in Coke. I sort of like Vanilla Coke (which is no more incase you didn't know). But you can't just do whatever you want. You must stop the insanity!

Coffee and sort drinks do not match. Both have their own place. Both are good, but not together. For example, I like Jell-o, and I like baked ziti. But if you put jell-o in my baked ziti I am going to be mad. Same for coffee in my coke.

It's a slippery slope people, first they put coffee in your coke, next people are marrying dogs. We've got to stop it now!

Poker Night

2005-12-04T23:36:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is "Poker Night"...

It's a brand spanking new Variety show hosted by me, Nick Turner and Shayna Ferm.
Here are the details...

Poker Night
@ The Ace Of Clubs
9 Great Jones St.
8 pm
Free

With Special Guests:
Johm Mullany
Kristen Schaal
Christian Finnegan

Come check it out. You will have a good time.

I'm Not Telling You What I Am Thankful For!

2005-11-28T23:10:00.000-05:00

I like the Thanksgiving thing. Everyone gets together. They eat. They talk about life. It's nice. It makes families all warm and cozy. But I was thinking, why don't we have a day of resent. I mean think about it. If you ask me what I am thankful for I really need to think about it. Sure, there's health. Loved ones. Employment. But I mean, who wants to sit around a table and talk about that stuff. LAME!!! But if you ask me about what I resent, I will say "pull up a chair friend and let me tell you a tale'"

Or how about a day of taking things for granted. I say "thank you" like 100 times a day (yes, I am very polite). I want a day where someone could hold a door open for me and I say, "damn straight, bitch!" That would be a day that I could get behind. And you wouldn't have to change much. Family already takes each other for granted. Oh, you worked two days cooking? I brought over a box of cookies. Now we're even. It's happening all the time people.

I say we make August 15 "Taking Things for Granted Day" since there are like no holidays in August and we make it a Wednesday and just assume that we would get off both Thursday and Friday. (You get it, we would take for granted that they would give us those days off. I'm such a card.)

Then we make Resent day February 29th. That way we can Resent the fact that it only happens once every four years. I'm going to start a petition. Here I go. See you later.

But It's Tradition...

2005-11-17T21:27:00.000-05:00

Everyone has their own traditions. Most of the time they are comforting. They remind you of an earlier time. They bring people together. But there are others that are just annoying. Here is one of mine that sucks.

Every year on the Friday after Thanksgiving all of my high school friends and I get together and play football. For most people that one be fun. I hate it. I am not good at football....at all. And it is always super cold. And I always ruin my clothes. And most people don't want to play. But it's tradition, so every year we do it. The reason that everyone gives for playing is, "well we always do." So? Let's change it. How about the new tradition is that everyone gives me 50 dollars, and after the first year I can say, well you have to because that's what we do, we give me money.

Fight sucky traditions. Don't let people make you do things. Or at least make it so I benefit financially from whatever it is.

Sometimes I Is Stupid

2005-11-14T23:03:00.000-05:00

No matter how hard I try to be smart, I ain't (sometimes). Last week I proved it. But I am not sure I am the only one who has even done this thing I am about to explain. If you have done it, please let me know so I don't feel so bad.

I was heading towards the subway and on my way through the turnstyle when I just totally forgot that you need to pay to get on the subway. I walked full speed into the metal bar. Mind you, I was in the middle of time square so there was a bunch of people behind me. All looking at me as though I was a complete idiot and I was. How the hell did I forget you need to pay to get on the subway? The scary thing is that this was not the first time that happend. I felt stupid.

Eventually I used my metrocard and got on the train. When the train came to my stop I took one step off before I realized that we had not infact pulled into my stop, but we were one stop short. And the same people who saw me forget to pay for the subway now were watching me not know where the hell I was going. I could feel their eyes roll.

So when you are looking at people on the subway and you see some idiot doing something stupid, realize it may be me.

Small Town In The Big City

2005-11-09T23:09:00.000-05:00

I generally don't like small towns. Mostly because I am not patient enough to have to travel 20 minutes to get milk (I don't drink milk, but if I ever want it, it will be right away). I don't like the lack of options. And they generally do not have even one good pizza place.

However, what I do like about small towns is the personal service that you get there because everyone in the town knows each other and stores rely on the business of the people in that town. With 8 million people in NYC you don't get that very often. Except in one place I have discovered, the donut truck.

You know the ones I am talking about. The small silver stand that sells coffee, donuts, muffins and bagels. There is one on virtually every corner. And that's what makes them so different, that there is one on every corner, so if you don't like the guy in the cart here, go 50 feet and there is another guy with the exact same donuts. So what separates one donut guy from another? Personality and caring.

I get a can of Pepsi and a chocolate donut with sprinkles just about every morning. And I get it from the same donut cart. Why? Because it's in the bag waiting for me when I get there. The two guys in the cart know what I want and they have it ready. We chat for a few seconds and I feel as though they care. Not a lot, but just enough. I once had a donut guy who refused to sell the last chocolate donut to someone else because he knew that I came for one every day and he didn't want me to be disappointed when it was not there.

I like that. It makes me feel special. When I am crammed into a subway with hundreds of other people every morning, annoyed that I am awake and sitting on mass transportation I remember that somewhere there are two nice men waiting to give me a donut and wish me a good day. That's nice. It's like a mom and pop store in the middle of Manhattan.

Famous Dinner Party

2005-11-07T01:56:00.000-05:00

A funny party game (according to the television) is if you could have a dinner party with anyone that has ever lived who would it be. I personally have never played that game, heard of anyone playing that game, or had any desire to play the game. so much so, I figured that I would just post here who would be at the dinner party so that if anyone ever asked me I could say, look at my blog and then leave the room. So here it goes. (I am assuming 4 people, without spouses)

1. Joseph McCarthy - Man, did he hate communism. He was a nut job and ruined a lot of peoples lives. I am very curious where this hatred stemmed from. I would be very interested to discuss his fears and the things he enjoyed (we never hear about that). I wonder if he feels like an ass now, knowing how weak communism really was. (although China is communist and they are bad ass).

2. Wilt Chamberlain - He slept with 10,000 woman. While I understand that is physically possible I find it very hard to believe. Although I doubt that Wilt would lie to me. But think about it, that's a big time commitment. You have to think he probably did at least 400 of those woman to get his number up. Imagine that for a moment.

3. Rachel Leigh Cook - She's very pretty. I want to know when she will be making "Josie and the Pussycats 2". The first one was very underrated. I know what you are thinking, "What. That movie sucked." Did it? Or do you just think it did. I'll bet you never even saw it. Because if you did you would see that it is a funny original film that is very deserving of a sequel. I know that I want to see more of those characters, and not just because it was three very pretty girls. But because of the interesting story telling and the jokes that challenged, rather than insulted, my intelligence. Rachel played Josie and I would bet that she has the inside track on any Josie news. I am sure I could convince her that a sequel was both appropriate and needed. And she is very pretty.

4. Mr. T - How much fun would it be to hang out with the T. I am sure that he is bat shit insane, but I'll bet he's got great stories. And I have so many questions about the A-Team. I'll bet no one has ever said, "Man, that was so boring hanging out with Mr. T." He's a good time and everyone knows it. I think he would be good at breaking the ice with everyone at the table. I just hope he doesn't take all the attention away from me...

So there you go.

Pay Attention Random People!

2005-11-03T22:55:00.000-05:00

So I was picking up my clothes at the laundromat the other day. Yes I drop of my clothes. It's my way of treating myself. My time is imporant to me. I don't want to waste any of it looking at a washing machine.

So I walked into the place and gave my ticket to the unhappy lady behind the counter. There were about 8 other people there doing their own laundry. They also seemed pretty unhappy. (See why I just drop off and pick up. I don't want to be one of those unhappy people.) As I was waiting for the lady to find my bag (for the record it was directly behind her and I tried to point that out, but she was having none of it) a new song came on the radio. That song, "Dirty Laundry" by Don Henley.

Remember, I am in the laundromat and the song "dirty laundry" is playing. That's...well, not funny, but enjoyable. It's something you notice. You smile. You say, "hmmm, that's cool. What are the odds of that?". But there was no reaction from anyone. Like they didn't even notice.

Come on. It deserves a reaction of some kind. Laundromat, "dirty laundry". Seriously people, notice these things. Think about all the other things you may be missing. Like your ability to look into the future. "But Dustin" you say, "I can't look into the future." To which I say, "Maybe you can, but you just haven't noticed it because you were too busy thinking about eating or that cute person who's naughty parts you want to touch with your hand, face and naughty parts."

Will I go back to that laundromat? Maybe. Will it ever be the same for me? No way!!!!

Never Dracula Again!

2005-11-01T00:02:00.000-05:00

When I was young I did not have a lot of money. I mean, personally I had almost no money but my family had very little as well. One place that I was reminded of this was on Halloween. My family literally never purchased costumes. I was only able to wear whatever my grandmother could make from what we already had at home. Which would have been fine, except for one thing. She didn't like making costumes.

I was dracula 4 years in a row. 4 years. Kids notice that. All the kids notice that. They made fun of it. Halloween is not fun when people hate your costume.

If I ever have a kid, I am going to make sure they have a great (and different) costume every year. Kids in good costumes are the cutest things ever. Even cuter, kids in bad costumes. But kids in the same damn costume...lame.

Scary Story

2005-10-30T22:54:00.000-05:00

So with it being about an hour until Halloween I thought it only appropriate to share a scary story with y'all. Well, it probably will not scare you. But it scared the hell out of me at the time. So here is what happened.

It was a freshman in high school. I was hanging out with my friend Ian and we were headed to my place to play ping pong. We played a lot of ping pong at that time. I am very good at it. So is he. Seriously, don't ever challenge either of us, we will kick your ass (read: we were very unpopular in high school). So it was pretty late at this point. We had been at his place. I would estimate that it was around midnight (although it may have been 10, I will go with midnight for effect).

Anyway, we were going to my house. We were busy talking about whatever lame bullshit that we talked about back then. We had just turned the corner to my block when we saw it...

Before I explain what it was let me tell you the story of the house on the corner of my block. No one really knew anything about the people that lived there. The one thing that we did know was that they never answered the door and they never kept up the yard. The grass was weedy and overgrown. I had heard various stories. One person said the person that lived there was in a wheelchair and was angry about it. Others said it was an elderly man who was stuck in his bed. No one really knew for sure. But that had a lot to do with the fact that we never saw anyone who lived in the house. That was until that night.

So back to the story. We turned the corner and looked the house. It was normally very dark. But not tonight. Tonight (remember it's midnight, probably) the whole yard was very lit up. In the driveway was a woman. I would say she was about 70. She was in a long white pajama thing. It blew in the wind. It was incredibly weird to see her out there. But what she was doing was even weirder. She was........she was.........trimming the hedges. With an electric hedge trimmer. Why? I don't know. She had never left the house before and suddenly she was concerned about hedge maintenance at midnight in her pajamas.

Naturally we assumed that we should run. And we did. Actually Ian was on his bike. But true to his solid moral character, he didn't ride any faster than I could run. And run I did, all the way to my apartment. We were both humored and afraid. So much so that Ian slept over that night so he would not have to go past her. She went on to adopt the name the Chainsaw lady. Because it was both more intimidating and more easier to say then electric hedge clipper lady. I still get a little freaked out when I look at the house.

Annoying to Awesome

2005-10-27T22:14:00.000-04:00

Sometimes things can go from annoying to awesome very quickly. Here's my example. I was on the train the other day with my girlfriend and there were four loud drunk guys. They sounded very stupid and had huge egos. You could tell that they were talking extra loud to get people to look at them. Every sentence they said was some annoying thing about these chicks they were going to bang or the money they were making doing whatever stupid thing they do. I couldn't stand listening to them.

Then around four stops before Ditmars (where they said they were going) one of the drunk guys said, "Are we there yet?" and his drunk friend said, "Yeah. Get off now." And he did. Then the doors closed and the train pulled away. It was great. At first he looked like a sad puppy as he watched the doors close, then he flipped his friends off. It was really funny to watch, but then it got better because his friends began to talk about how he was coming to visit them and had no idea where everyone lived.

At this point the friends began to argue about what they were going to do. "You go back for him." "No, you go back for him, he's your friend". "You've known him longer." "Well, I'm not going back for him. We have to meet the girls." "Yeah, I guess he'll figure it out. He shouldn't have gotten off the train." "Call his cell phone." "He doesn't have one." "What time are we supposed to meet the girls."

They totally left him there. It made all the annoying stuff totally worth it.

Reader Mail: Me vs. Slash

2005-10-25T23:22:00.000-04:00

From time to time I like to answer some reader mail. Tonight's letter comes from Judy Kramer from Sunnyside Queens. It reads, "Dear Dustin, I really like reading your blog. Sometimes I read it when I'm, you know...alone. Anyway, sometimes I get you and Slash from Guns N' Roses confused. I am sure that I am not the only one. Could you help me out with that. By the way, notice that I said Slash from GNR and not Velvet Revolver, because that is such bullshit. Anyway, I love you. Is that weird, for me to tell you that I love you? Okay. Have a good day. (I'm watching you! Just kidding...maybe) Sincerely, Judy."

Well Judy. I appreciate your letter. Believe me, I get this letter all the time. So once and for all I will clear this up so it doesn't happen again. Here are a few differences, although there may be more.

Guitar
I can't play guitar. Okay, I can play the first few seconds of Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits on the acoustic. Slash on the other hands kicks ass.

Hat
Slash wears a top hat all the time, including the shower and when he is doing, but not in church. Slash is very respectful of the lord. On the other hand, I never wear a hat all, except in church, where I wear a top hat because I think the lord likes it when I am formal.

Shirt
I wear a lot of shirts. Like every day. I have a bunch. Some I wear all the time. Some that are dry clean only. Slash doesn't own any shirts at all. No matter how cold it gets, Slash never wears a shirt

Vodka
My circulatory system uses blood. Slash, well....

Sketch Comedy
Slash is a really shitty sketch comedy writer. I on the hand am mediocre. But honestly people, Slash is just terrible. Everything he writes is so obvious. And like, how many game show parody sketches can one guy write. "Guess The Bacteria"? It had a few funny lines, but it would never have worked.

Those are just a few of the difference. I will try to think of more, but please write in if you have other questions.

Short posts.

2005-10-24T00:15:00.001-04:00

They can leave you feeling very unfulf...

I like candy.

2005-10-20T21:43:00.000-04:00

I like candy. It tastes good. I am a very big fan of gummy type candy. I've had bears and cherries and even some very gross gummy hamburgers. But the one most unusual things I've ever seen is Gummy Stock Cars. Who could have possibly thought that people would prefer their candy in a NASCAR style mold. Who would buy those? I would, and I did (initially for purely mocking reasons). And they were good. They are the official gummy candy of Rusty Wallace. For the record my official gummy candy is Gummy Twin Cherries. What's the point of the post? To announce my official gummy candy. What's yours?

After everyone has gone home.....

2005-10-18T18:38:00.000-04:00

Am I the only one who thinks that the office is a scary place late at night? Like after everyone has left. There is always one place where the lights are turned off where they are not normally turned off. That part of the office is petrifiying. Like there is some killer that came in while everyone was at lunch and is just waiting to kill the person who didn't finish thier work on time. I'll bet one day a boss is going to do that, stay late and kill an employee. That way everyone works harder during the day so they don't have to stay late

The worst is if you are in an office with motion sensor lighting, because then you could be sitting there trying to get some stupid spreadsheet to format correctly (and you knew how to do it yesterday and you swear you are doing the exact same thing, but the damn thing won't listen) and then the light next to your desk goes off. All on it's own. You know it's the motion sensor....at least you hope it is.

I once was leaving and on my way out I heard someone's radio playing, but no one was there. That will stop you cold. Maybe they were listening when they were killed! People don't just leave radios on. I did a survey. The worst part was that it was on the oldies station. Something about the oldies station says you are going to get stabbed in the face to me.

So that's why I always try to finish my work on time, so I don't get stabbed in the face.

Skeeger - They are funny

2005-10-17T17:21:00.000-04:00

In place of a funny little story, I am going to put in a plug for a funny little sketch group, one that I direct. They are called Skeeger and they are performing tonight @ 7pm (and the next two Mondays in October) and the people's improv theater in NYC. They are smart, funny and able to come up with a third adjective more often than me.

So do yourself a favor and stop reading this and go see them. You will be glad you did.

Then come back and read this again, and every day so you can learn about me and how I see the world. You can write a paper about me. It will get published in a journal and we will both be famous. Won't that be fun? So don't ruin it and screw up the plan. See you tonight at the show. (mostly after the show unless you are sitting in front of me, in which case, stop moving your head around so much it's really annoying.)

Giving to the homeless

2005-10-15T20:49:00.000-04:00

Last night I did something that I almost never do. I gave money to a homeless person. Specifically it was a woman who was crying and had a big cut in the back of her leg. She was clearly having a bad day, if not a bad life. Although I guess it can be assumed that things aren't really going your way if you are homeless. But this woman seemed pretty bad off. Compared to many people I see on the train who ask for money she was rare. Most frankly don't know that they are doing. It occured to me that with the advent of public internet places that a lot of homeless people might be surfing the web, so if you are homeless and reading this know, I am here to to help. Now with money, but with some suggestions on how you may get more money. Here it goes.

Dress For Success
Listen, I understand that just because you are homeless that doesn't mean that you have to dress like a homo with ripped pants and broken shoes and all that. But if you are going to ask me for money, you better dress the part. In my closet right now I have two pairs of pants with holes in them. And 50% of my socks do too. If you are wearing nicer pants than I, I am not going to give you money.

What's Your Motivation
I could not imagine anything worse then being poor and alone and having to beg others for money just so I could eat. It has to be one of the most miserable things anyone ever has to do. So that's why it is very important to convey that when you are asking people for money. If you're all "whatever" about it then I'm not going to think you really care about it. Especially those guys who say the same thing every time. Change it up. Surprise me. Do stand up comedy. Then I will feel like you have provided a service.

Get a Kid.
If you have a kid, I will give you money. So go get one. They don't eat much and they will totally triple your income. But after the first kid, it starts cutting into your profit margin, so pretend you're in China and keep it to one.

Follow these three pointers and you are sure to be a happy and successful homeless person. As usual, if you have anything to add please feel free to click the little comment link below the post and tell me what you else you think could help.

Terror On The Subway

2005-10-13T22:55:00.000-04:00

So last week here in the city we were all informed of a possible terror threat on the subway. There were a ton of cops on the subway, which is understandable. The thing that stuck out to me was that they put twice the number of cops on the trains taking people to the Yankee game because they were concerned that a plot that had been months, if not years, in the making somehow involved baseball. And I began to think, what if it did?

Imagine if you were a terrorist with this plan about bombing the Yankee game in the playoffs and all of a sudden the Yankees aren't doing so good. The Yanks didn't clinch until the second to last day of the season. Can you imagine how rough that must have been on them. There they are, just wanting to sacrifice themselves for the good of their god and Randy Johnson can't throw a damn strike. That would piss me off.

But then the Yankees finally do make it and the plan is back on....or is it? Apparently mother nature and Allah were not on the same page because thanks to a rain delay the Yankees had to pospone their game for a day. That would have really sucked for the terrorist. They spent a whole day preparing themselves. Saying good bye to people. Giving away all their stuff. Eating all the food in the fridge and then it rains. It must have been so awkward going back to the apartment that night. Because you know before the terrorist left he told his roommate all the stuff that annoys him. "You know dishes don't wash themselves." the terrorist would say. "Go fuck yourself" would reply the roommate while regretting moving in to the first apartment he looked at off of Craigslist. Now they had to sit there watching the Napoleon Dynamite dude on SNL pretending nothing happened. That's not fun.

Have a nice day.

And the Yankees lose....

2005-10-12T18:33:00.000-04:00

So I only have 5 minutes to come up with something wonderful for y'all to read because it's my girlfriend's birthday and I need to meet up with her to see a movie. So I need to come up with something interesting fast. What? I already lost you with my babbleing about how I need to come up with something? That's very rude of you. At last give me a couple of paragraphs.

Hmmmmmmm, it rained a lot today. So that's something. No, it's not. It's boring.

The Yankees. I will talk about them. They lost. That sucked. But there is something about playoff baseball that I realize about myself that might make me a bad sports fan. As sad as I am to see the Yankees lose I am happy to be able to sleep. Those games are on late.

Maybe that is why they do that, so that you are not as devistated when your team loses. "Well, we lost, but we gained sleep." you could say to yourself to make you feel better. I know that sounds wimpy of me, but too bad. I like sleep.

As a kid I remember saying to myself, when I get old I will never go to sleep because my parents can't make me. I was wrong. I mean, my parents can't make me, but I do go to sleep. And I like it. Plus you go insane if you don't sleep and eventually it will kill you. All the more reason to sleep.

So in a way, the Yankees losing has made me a little less insane.

The Sick Passenger

2005-10-11T17:53:00.000-04:00

You thought I was going to forget to blog today didn’t you. So little faith…. I have faith in you, you know. I know that if you just apply yourself you can do most anything. Because when you’ve got faith of the heart you can do anything. Oh Enterprise (the prequel to Star Trek) you are filled with such obvious wisdom. What did we ever do without you?

So my rant today has to do with the subway, specifically the sick passenger. I myself have never actually seen a sick passenger on the subway. But apparently it happens all the time. So we need to clear a few things up incase you find yourself on the train and feeling sick. Here are a few rules to live by…

Rules

1) Get off the train. If you are sick and you need medical attention, please note that the train conductor (who’s not really conducting any more, he’s more like hanging out and turning a little knob. Of course I don’t know what the old train conductors did, so in reality they might have done that too, but for the time being, let’s just saying he’s not conducting) is not a doctor. Odds are no one on the train is a doctor because they have enough money to take cabs. So pull your pained, withering body off the train so people can continue on the way.

2) If you must get sick on the train do it in a place that doesn’t suck. Like on the J line. No one takes the J line, or the M line of the Z line. (I was going to make a lame J, Z joke but I’m sure you can do that for yourself and as I said, it would have been lame.

3) The train will jolt when it starts moving. So like, watch out for that. I think most sick passengers are people who just fell when the train started moving. And I feel bad about that. I don’t want to see anyone (okay, I don’t want to see most people) get hurt but every single time the train starts moving, it jolts forward. It’s a 40 ton piece of metal that is going from still to not still, it’s going to jolt. Expect it. Wait until the train starts moving or sit down right away. You have been warned. From now on, if you fall I will laugh and push you out of the train at the next stop.

Those are my rules for now. There is a handy little section for comments write under this article if you would like to add some of your own rules or if you just want to tell me to go screw you can do that too. But if the latter is your choice, please be specific as to who you want me to screw (I would really prefer it if it were my girlfriend that you suggested since she gets a little angry when I consider screwing other girls). Have a nice day. (but after today, you are on your own buddy.)

Day 2 - An Asian Experience

2005-10-10T10:45:00.000-04:00

Hey,

Welcome to day two of me being a blogger, (day one for you since no one knew I had this on day one. As I was wondering what to write about today a friend of mine passed along information that I have to share with everyone. It's good news. The wonderful martial artist, actor, producer and business man that is Steven Seagal is now also the maker of his own energy drink. That's right. Don't trust me. Check it out for yourself.

Lightningdrink.com

With such amazing choices as Asian Experience, Root Beer Rush and of course Cherry Charge, how could you go wrong. I mean seriously people, why aren't you drinking this right now. Don't you want the same energy that made Steven Seagal sort of a star. Sure some say that even DMX (in Exit Wounds) is a better actor and that even Seann William Scott (in The Rundown, co-starring the Rock) is a better action star, but none of them can match Steven's incredibly subdued energy. And none of them can make a drink out of pure juice.

So let's all make a root beer rush ice cream float and raise a glass of pure energy to Steven Seagal, for continuing to be ridiculous, long after people have forgotten who he is. Thanks for the memories Steven.

Now I'm a Blogger?

2005-10-09T10:32:00.000-04:00

Hey, Y'all,

Apparently now I am a blogger. Does that make me a dork? Probably. But you're a dork too. You're reading a blog aren't you.... Look at me alienating my audience right off the top. I'm just kidding reader. I like you. You're listening to my inane bull crap. And with any luck there will be more inane crap for you to listen to. And more poor grammar and poor spelling and incomplete sentences. My hope is that my 5th grade English teacher will one day appear at my apartment and just beat the crap out of me. Then when someone says, "Hey, you spelled that wrong." I can say, "Well, I already got punched in the face for it, so shut up.

Anyway, that's my introduction to the world of blog. I have a geocities site that is called desperate ramblings, but since I am going to be starting up my own web page soon I will probably post all the articles on there on this page so that you can read them. (most of you have already read them, but hey, maybe some stranger will read this too.)

Talk to you soon,

Me