Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Give Thanks This Year for Crazy People

Sadly I have never had the chance to hire anyone for a job. I make you this promise, if ever I have the chance I am going to hire the most bat shit insane person I can find.

Let's face it folks, work sucks. A lot. The only thing that keeps it remotely interesting is the person who everyone agrees is crazy. Take for instance the following two conversations I have had with coworkers.

Conversation 1:
Me: So you finally got health insurance. That's great.
Person 1: Yeah. I haven't had a physical in a few years. It will be nice to get check out and make sure everything is okay.

Conversation 2:
Me: So you finally got health insurance. That's great.
Person 2: Yeah. I'm so glad we have dental. My husband's teeth all dissolved out of his mouth from drinking Pepsi and he needs teeth.
Me: He couldn't get dentures or something.
Person 2: He did, but when our house burned down a couple of years he forget to take them so he hasn't had any teeth since then.

Now let me ask you, who is the more entertaining person there. Don't you want to know what person 2's husband decided was more important to save in the fire than his teeth? Don't you want to know who person 2 thinks is planning on taking over the world. (It's CBS. I still don't fully understand her logic.)

I would love to be surrounded by those people. I can guess what normal people are thinking, but it's the crazy people that make conversation at work worth having.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

If You Are Going To Be... Be Bad Ass

Cops have guns. But criminals have bigger ones. How do you battle that? Give cops bigger guns? No. Ban larger guns in this country? No.

I have the answer. Don't give them bigger guns, give them two guns.... and gold plate them.

Then the criminals will know, these aren't normal cops, these are bad ass super cops. Two guns means, "I know how to to handle myself and I am full on prepared to shoot criminals on not one side of me, but on both sides. Bring it on. I am going to shoot you and make a joke about so the last thing you will ever hear is the sound of me mocking you for breaking the law."

Criminals doing want that. They hate being mocked. And they hate bad ass super cops. I mean sure, super criminals and evil geniuses enjoy the challenge of a good super cop but how many of them are still around today. 4?

And the gold plating on those two guns says "I am such a good cop that I am rich. They pay me extra because criminals don't stand a chance."

So let's get on it NYPD. Our boys in blue are out there every day placing their lives on the line for us. The least we can do is hook them up with a pair of bad ass guns. Or maybe you can hook me up with with a pair of bad ass guns... Or an iPhone. That would be cool. I really want an iPhone.