Monday, December 17, 2007

Cars for Christmas

Don't be a douche. Even if you can afford it, don't get your wife or husband a car for Christmas.

You see, it's not all about you Mr. Fancy Car man. You get the big hug and kiss and John Q Not-a-douche looks like a Scrooge McDuck over here simply because he hasn't dropped 30 grand on Christmas. Where do you go from car, huh? House? Organ? Child? That's setting the bar pretty high for the rest of us, don't you think.

Seriously. Don't. I'm serious. You're sensitive and have a ponytail, don't you. I hate you so much.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Give Thanks This Year for Crazy People

Sadly I have never had the chance to hire anyone for a job. I make you this promise, if ever I have the chance I am going to hire the most bat shit insane person I can find.

Let's face it folks, work sucks. A lot. The only thing that keeps it remotely interesting is the person who everyone agrees is crazy. Take for instance the following two conversations I have had with coworkers.

Conversation 1:
Me: So you finally got health insurance. That's great.
Person 1: Yeah. I haven't had a physical in a few years. It will be nice to get check out and make sure everything is okay.

Conversation 2:
Me: So you finally got health insurance. That's great.
Person 2: Yeah. I'm so glad we have dental. My husband's teeth all dissolved out of his mouth from drinking Pepsi and he needs teeth.
Me: He couldn't get dentures or something.
Person 2: He did, but when our house burned down a couple of years he forget to take them so he hasn't had any teeth since then.

Now let me ask you, who is the more entertaining person there. Don't you want to know what person 2's husband decided was more important to save in the fire than his teeth? Don't you want to know who person 2 thinks is planning on taking over the world. (It's CBS. I still don't fully understand her logic.)

I would love to be surrounded by those people. I can guess what normal people are thinking, but it's the crazy people that make conversation at work worth having.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

If You Are Going To Be... Be Bad Ass

Cops have guns. But criminals have bigger ones. How do you battle that? Give cops bigger guns? No. Ban larger guns in this country? No.

I have the answer. Don't give them bigger guns, give them two guns.... and gold plate them.

Then the criminals will know, these aren't normal cops, these are bad ass super cops. Two guns means, "I know how to to handle myself and I am full on prepared to shoot criminals on not one side of me, but on both sides. Bring it on. I am going to shoot you and make a joke about so the last thing you will ever hear is the sound of me mocking you for breaking the law."

Criminals doing want that. They hate being mocked. And they hate bad ass super cops. I mean sure, super criminals and evil geniuses enjoy the challenge of a good super cop but how many of them are still around today. 4?

And the gold plating on those two guns says "I am such a good cop that I am rich. They pay me extra because criminals don't stand a chance."

So let's get on it NYPD. Our boys in blue are out there every day placing their lives on the line for us. The least we can do is hook them up with a pair of bad ass guns. Or maybe you can hook me up with with a pair of bad ass guns... Or an iPhone. That would be cool. I really want an iPhone.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

You're going to look me in the eye and say that?

I had a physical a few days ago. When I told my doctor that I sometimes get swelling in my ankles she suggested I use support hose under my clothes. What? Seriously?

This woman had the balls. The Gigantic Ball to look me straight in the eye and suggest I wear support hose. I am a thirty year old man. I have not given up on life. I put on a few pounds in the last few months, should I wear a corset too?

Come on Doc. If I am going to listen to you about anything you have to show me that you are at can be trusted. Think about it, even if I was giving you the best advice in the world, if I started the sentence with something like, "the goblins that life in my bookcase told me about this," you would totally stop listening. Well, it's the same thing. There are an equal number of goblins living my bookcase as there are self respecting dudes who wear support hose under their cloths.

I would tell you the other advise she gave me, but to be honest I stopped listening right around, support hose.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

It's Okay Atreyu, There's Nothing To Worry About. Or Is There?

When i arrived home today I saw that my landlord had placed all the buildings garbage on the curb. Laying very prominently in the pile was a large broken mirror. On it was a HUGE note that read "BROKEN MIRROR".

Who is this note intended for? I can see that the mirror is broken. After much deliberation I determined that there was one of two possibilities.

First Possibility: The person who placed it there was concerned that people might see it and be concerned that passersby would think that it was a portal to an alternate universe that was being destroyed.

Second Possibility: It is an alternate universe that is being destroyed and the person who placed it trying to keep it a secret. That bastard! I hope alternate me is okay.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Hang Up The Phone Tycho!

I hate talking to people when I am in the bathroom, but at least I know they are in the bathroom. Today i saw a person peeing while talking on the cell phone's wireless headset. I hope at least he warned the person. I know personally when it's my bathroom time I need to pay attention. One tiny break of focus and watch out shoes (and I like my shoes, even though they hurt my ankles a little bit. why do you hurt me so, shoes? Why?).

And there is that moment of fulfillment when the task is completed. You can't hide that. People can sense it in your voice even if you don't make a sound. Now the person on the other end of the phone has to hear that? That is uncool.

There is nothing so important that you can't put it on hold to go to the bathroom. Just ask Tycho Brahe (depending on which report you believe. If you believe the Mercury thing, then ignore the reference. If you don't know what I'm talking about, read a book!).

Sunday, February 11, 2007

People I Like - It's Coming Back

When Mundial closed last year things looked dark for People I Like (The show I host) but it March it will rise from the ashes. And this time it will be bigger and better. Our new venue has a three camera studio and control room. We'll be posting everything to the web and launching a new site with a bunch of great content. The dates of the new shows for March will be Saturday the 10th and 17th at 10 pm. Look for the line-ups to be released soon.