Monday, January 30, 2006

Don't Meet Me At Foxwood's

I could never live near a casino. Here's why...

1. I am not an Indian.

2. I believe in being "due". (Slot machines apparently do not)

3. Old people freak me out. (Can someone explain to me how in normal life I never see someone with an oxygen tank. In a casino I usually see at least 3)

4. Buffets hold so much promise, and always disappointing.

5. I am powerless against small Asian men. (okay, this only holds true in casinos. But for some reason any time the dealer is small and Asian I lose my money very fast. I am not saying it is the fault of Asians as a whole, but just these Asians. But think about it people, what are the odds. They are small. Which means they are tricky...tricky Asians)

6. Shiny things make me want to touch them. (I would be so busy touching all the shiny things in the casino I would never get to eat. Except at the buffet, {see point 4}.

7. I don't think it should cost 25 cents to pull a lever. (I just don't. I enjoy levers. Believe you me, I love levers. But 25 cents, for one pull. It seems like we are forgetting why we went into Iraq in the first place.)

That's all for now...but there are other reasons. That I will save for my trip to Vegas in March. That's right, I just listed reasons I hate casinos and then I am said I am going to Vegas anyway. Got a problem with that! (Don't hit me, I'm fragile {but in a manly way})

Thursday, January 26, 2006

A New Focus...

I have been looking around the world of blogging and discovered I may have infact made a mistake with my current blog. It lacks focus. It lacks a point. It is simply random thoughts and observations of a guy most people don't know. I provide no other information other than the things that I hate.

I need a focus. A selling point. A reason people would come back day after day. I need a purpose. I need to provide a service. Otherwise , it's just me rambling.

But what focus. What thing do I do better than anyone else? What service could I provide? Any ideas? Please post a comment about it. I am open to all things.

I've got a couple of ideas, but I want to know what the public wants. All two of you...

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Messing Up At Work

It totally sucks when it happens. But worse than that, is being accused of messing up when you didn't. That give's you that "grrrrrr" feeling on the inside. I once worked for AMC and and i often got yelled at (and I mean YELLED at) all the time for nothing.

But you know what's worse than that. The preemptive yell. That's like fourteen extra rrrrrrrrrrrrr's. When you are doing the right thing and someone give you attitude anyway. You should totally be allowed to smack that person. Any comment you could make would not get the job done. The only acceptable thing is violence.

"Hey. Make sure you don't do that thing you've never done or even thought of doing." or "Hey. That think you asked me about to make sure you got it right. Don't get it wrong!" Those are the types of comments that are not made by productive members of society.

Can we all email our congressperson and tell them that we should make it legal to hit preemtive yellers. Or at least incorrect yellers.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Good Bye WB

Incase you didn't know this, before long there will be no more WB (or UPN, but who watches WB). The two are combining to form one network. Now some may say, "Great! They only had 1/2 a network's worth of shows!". To you I say, shut up!

Listen, everyone knows that the UPN never had a good show, save the year they aired Buffy The Vampire Slayer. But the WB had Dawson's Creak. And um....Buffy in the early years. And Angel... Where else will we turn for 20 something acting like 15 somethings?

I need dramody. I need teen angst. I need quirky people doing crazy things. Is Fox going to give it to me? No. They would air American Idol 24 hours a day if they could. And CBS is too busy doing forensic investigations.

I for one say, I will miss you WB. Before you go, may I make a suggestion? WB: The College Years! I am telling you, it will work! Sort of....

Monday, January 23, 2006

A History of Violence

I can honestly say that I have never backed down from a fight in my life. I never went out looking for one, and I have been really afraid that I would get my ass kicked, but I have never backed down. I even beat someone up once. Well, not beat them up...

Here is the story. 3rd Grade. P.S. 30. Lunch time. Playground. There I am. Playing baseball (with a tennis ball and a wiffle ball bat) (We weren't allowed to use an actual baseball). This kid was picking on me. I forget his name. But I remember what he looks like. He was thin and wirey. He kind of looked like a rat. He loved to just piss people off and then run away. He was doing that to me. He would say something. i would chase him. He would get away.

Finally I decided that I was going to take a stand and insult him back. Oddly enough, no one had ever tried that. (We were in third grade. We were not smart.) He got mad. Really mad. There was no longer a need to chase him. Homeboy was coming after me.

He charged, and I mean charged. Head down and full speed, he was coming at me. As he got closer I got worried that he was really going to hurt me. Then.....I stepped to the left. That's all it took. He blew right by me. Tripping along the way and falling flat on his face. He cut himself all over. So much so that he had to go to the nurse and may have needed stiches (I may have added the stiches to make the story better).

I had totally kicked his ass without even touching him. I actually learned a lot that day. i will pass it on to you.

Mad people are stupid. They are so blinded by being mad that they often make mistakes that give the perfect chance to take them down. You would be amazed at how often you can solve your problem with a mean angry person by stepping to the left.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Homeless Conversation

Last Wednesday i had one of the most unusual encounters with a homeless person that I have ever had. I was standing on the platform, waiting for the train as I am one to do. I had a show that night so I was going through my set in my head. I accidently made eye contact with a homeless woman.

For those that live in the city, you know what that means. We're friends now. I knew the second we made eye contact that she was going to speak to me. I wondered what she was going to say. I hoped she was not an angy woman. I personally was pulling for religion. I don't mind being called a sinner every know and then, it's probably true.

So there I am, ready for a crazy homeless woman encounter. She smiles as me. None of the teeth in her mouth were the same color or pointing in the same direction.

She turns to me and in the most articulate (if not english) voice I had heard in a while she says, "that shirt looks really good o on you. Most men are afraid to wear purple, but you really pull it off." I could not have been more startled if she told me she was an alien.

She continued to tell me that I should also try pink or lavender because she also thought I would look good in those colors. And you know what, I DO!

So not all homeless people are crazy. Some are very helpful.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Gonna be better soon

I'm going to be better at this whole blogging thing. I should be writing more and I am going to. That said, what do I write about tonight?

So Bin Laden released a new tape today. It reminded me of my little 9-11 story. So here is a small part of it.

I was on Canal street when everything went down. I had to walk to park slope brooklyn. If you know me, you know that I never know where the hell I am going directionwise. My plan, walk to a bridge, stay along the water until something looks familiar.

So I get into brooklyn and I am walking through a part of town I have never been in before. I am listening to the radio in my headphones. They are telling about all the planes that are missing and everything that is going on. It was scary. I was on edge.

All of a sudden I look up. What do I see? A man pointing a shotgun at me saying, "Don't fuckin move." Yeah. I almost shit myself. Apparently I was walking past a lot where armored cars drop of money and an armored car was pulling in as I walked by.

Still. That is the wrong day to do that. That's my little story. I'll have more soon.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Poker Night 2

We're doing another Poker Night. It's Tuesday, January 17th at the Ace of Clubs again. The new line up is not going to be officially announced for about another week but I can assure you it is going to be a very funny show. Come see it. It could (but probably won't) change your life.