Cars for Christmas

Don't be a douche. Even if you can afford it, don't get your wife or husband a car for Christmas.

You see, it's not all about you Mr. Fancy Car man. You get the big hug and kiss and John Q Not-a-douche looks like a Scrooge McDuck over here simply because he hasn't dropped 30 grand on Christmas. Where do you go from car, huh? House? Organ? Child? That's setting the bar pretty high for the rest of us, don't you think.

Seriously. Don't. I'm serious. You're sensitive and have a ponytail, don't you. I hate you so much.

Give Thanks This Year for Crazy People

Sadly I have never had the chance to hire anyone for a job. I make you this promise, if ever I have the chance I am going to hire the most bat shit insane person I can find.

Let's face it folks, work sucks. A lot. The only thing that keeps it remotely interesting is the person who everyone agrees is crazy. Take for instance the following two conversations I have had with coworkers.

Conversation 1:
Me: So you finally got health insurance. That's great.
Person 1: Yeah. I haven't had a physical in a few years. It will be nice to get check out and make sure everything is okay.

Conversation 2:
Me: So you finally got health insurance. That's great.
Person 2: Yeah. I'm so glad we have dental. My husband's teeth all dissolved out of his mouth from drinking Pepsi and he needs teeth.
Me: He couldn't get dentures or something.
Person 2: He did, but when our house burned down a couple of years he forget to take them so he hasn't had any teeth since then.

Now let me ask you, who is the more entertaining person there. Don't you want to know what person 2's husband decided was more important to save in the fire than his teeth? Don't you want to know who person 2 thinks is planning on taking over the world. (It's CBS. I still don't fully understand her logic.)

I would love to be surrounded by those people. I can guess what normal people are thinking, but it's the crazy people that make conversation at work worth having.

If You Are Going To Be... Be Bad Ass

Cops have guns. But criminals have bigger ones. How do you battle that? Give cops bigger guns? No. Ban larger guns in this country? No.

I have the answer. Don't give them bigger guns, give them two guns.... and gold plate them.

Then the criminals will know, these aren't normal cops, these are bad ass super cops. Two guns means, "I know how to to handle myself and I am full on prepared to shoot criminals on not one side of me, but on both sides. Bring it on. I am going to shoot you and make a joke about so the last thing you will ever hear is the sound of me mocking you for breaking the law."

Criminals doing want that. They hate being mocked. And they hate bad ass super cops. I mean sure, super criminals and evil geniuses enjoy the challenge of a good super cop but how many of them are still around today. 4?

And the gold plating on those two guns says "I am such a good cop that I am rich. They pay me extra because criminals don't stand a chance."

So let's get on it NYPD. Our boys in blue are out there every day placing their lives on the line for us. The least we can do is hook them up with a pair of bad ass guns. Or maybe you can hook me up with with a pair of bad ass guns... Or an iPhone. That would be cool. I really want an iPhone.

You're going to look me in the eye and say that?

I had a physical a few days ago. When I told my doctor that I sometimes get swelling in my ankles she suggested I use support hose under my clothes. What? Seriously?

This woman had the balls. The Gigantic Ball to look me straight in the eye and suggest I wear support hose. I am a thirty year old man. I have not given up on life. I put on a few pounds in the last few months, should I wear a corset too?


Come on Doc. If I am going to listen to you about anything you have to show me that you are at can be trusted. Think about it, even if I was giving you the best advice in the world, if I started the sentence with something like, "the goblins that life in my bookcase told me about this," you would totally stop listening. Well, it's the same thing. There are an equal number of goblins living my bookcase as there are self respecting dudes who wear support hose under their cloths.

I would tell you the other advise she gave me, but to be honest I stopped listening right around, support hose.

It's Okay Atreyu, There's Nothing To Worry About. Or Is There?

When i arrived home today I saw that my landlord had placed all the buildings garbage on the curb. Laying very prominently in the pile was a large broken mirror. On it was a HUGE note that read "BROKEN MIRROR".

Who is this note intended for? I can see that the mirror is broken. After much deliberation I determined that there was one of two possibilities.

First Possibility: The person who placed it there was concerned that people might see it and be concerned that passersby would think that it was a portal to an alternate universe that was being destroyed.

Second Possibility: It is an alternate universe that is being destroyed and the person who placed it trying to keep it a secret. That bastard! I hope alternate me is okay.

Hang Up The Phone Tycho!

I hate talking to people when I am in the bathroom, but at least I know they are in the bathroom. Today i saw a person peeing while talking on the cell phone's wireless headset. I hope at least he warned the person. I know personally when it's my bathroom time I need to pay attention. One tiny break of focus and watch out shoes (and I like my shoes, even though they hurt my ankles a little bit. why do you hurt me so, shoes? Why?).

And there is that moment of fulfillment when the task is completed. You can't hide that. People can sense it in your voice even if you don't make a sound. Now the person on the other end of the phone has to hear that? That is uncool.

There is nothing so important that you can't put it on hold to go to the bathroom. Just ask Tycho Brahe (depending on which report you believe. If you believe the Mercury thing, then ignore the reference. If you don't know what I'm talking about, read a book!).

People I Like - It's Coming Back

When Mundial closed last year things looked dark for People I Like (The show I host) but it March it will rise from the ashes. And this time it will be bigger and better. Our new venue has a three camera studio and control room. We'll be posting everything to the web and launching a new site with a bunch of great content. The dates of the new shows for March will be Saturday the 10th and 17th at 10 pm. Look for the line-ups to be released soon.

Number 18 in your programs, Number 17 in your hearts.

So today's post is a response to a friend of mine. She's got a great sports blog that you should totally check out. Apparently she has tagged me and therefor I must respond. So here it goes. It's in response to the question: What if I were a hockey player.

Team: New York Islanders
Uniform number: 18
Position: Goalie (butterfly style)
Nickname: D-Wall, Stretch, The Vacuum. Hoover

Dream linemates: (or in this case, back-up goalie) Chris Osgood. Good enough to back up but not good enough to take my job.
Rounding out the PP: NA
Job: Guy who passive aggressively guilts people into working harder. In charge of yelling "watch the guy in front". Stopping pucks. Having a cool helmet.
Signature move: Blocker save the pops the puck straight up and then i slap it with my stick to my teammate waiting up ice for a breakaway.

Strengths: Passing really well. Amazing ability to slash at people's ankles if they are standing in front of me. Able to catch a fly with chopsticks all karate kid style.
Weaknesses: Bad peripheral vision. Fear of getting hit in the face.
Injury Problems: Bad knees. Inability to look up for extended periods of time
Equipment: All black equipment so you can't see the puck it hits me. Kelly Hrudey style blue headband (I don't wear it. I just keep it with me for strength)

Nemesis: Jagr. The Capitals.
Scandal involvment: Saying "Seriously dude, shut the hell up" every time a reporter asked me how I felt after doing something bad.

Who I'd face in the Stanley Cup Finals: The Dallas Stars. They are so boring that everyone will be cheering for us.
What I'd do with the Stanley Cup after our victory: Take it to my old high school. Find the biggest dude and hit him with it.
Would the media love me or hate me: Love me. Because it would always make for a good story when I said I hated someone. Trust me. I would hate a lot of people.

Hugh Grant - Dude Kryptonite

Is there any guy on the planet that makes other guys turn the channel faster than Hugh Grant? I submit there is not. The second you see him you know you are about to see a lame ass romantic comedy that will make your girlfriend cry and you want to throw up. Couldn't he just shake things up for once. Hugh, give Tarantino a call man. He made Travolta seem a little bad ass. He'll come up with some crazy shit where cut out a guys spleen and make a scarf out of it (all to a catchy song). Then maybe guys will leave your movies on for more than 8 seconds.

Seriously. Just shoot one dude in a movie. Not learn your lesson about love in one frickin movie. Shave your face with a pocket knife. Laugh as two dogs fight in a pit. Something. How am I going to take you seriously if you spend all your time acting like a romantic English dude? American men, and when I say American men I mean all American men, every single one, hate romantic English dudes. I'm just sayin' Hugh, it's a good idea.

I'm a gadget nerd

I just got a new phone and it can connect to the Internet and that is pretty much all I have done since I got it. I was literally sitting next to my computer (which can also very easily connect to the Internet) and I was still using my phone. I am usually pretty good at not spending money on stuff that I really don't need, But when it comes to gadgets, I'm like a drug addict. I'll steal money from a nun if it will help get the next cool thing.

When You Think About Magic

I was thinking about Magic today. I hope that one day I have the ability to do magic. Now it's very important for you to understand when i say this that when I say "magic" I mean actually doing impossible things. Not being some lame illusionist like David Copperfield or David Blaine.

But if in order to do that magic I need to use a magic wand, I think it might not be worth it. Let's just get real for a second here folks, the magic wand is the pocket protector of magic. Shooting fireballs out of your hands, now that's cool. I would shooting fireballs out of my hands all day long if I had that power. But having to take out a dinky little stick to shoot a fireball. By the time I reached into my bag, took the stick out of it's sheath (If I am going to have a wand I am not going to get it scuffed) and pointed it the whatever needed fireballin' I would have probably already lost interested (or eatin by the thing that needed fireballin' because fireball necessitating things are usually good at sneaking up on you).

And don't even get me started on potions...

Sometimes It's Better To Fail - Isn't that right, Balls Mahoney

After working VERY late this Tuesday I happened to turn on some pro wrestling. Yeah, that's right. I said. I watched Pro Wrestling. I don't "watch" Pro Wrestling. But on this night I happened to watch it. On this night I discovered that if you have a dream and you work hard and you give it your all, you just night succeed. And that sometimes that's the worst thing could possibly happen to you. I discovered a wrestler by the name of Balls Mahoney.

I know they need wrestlers to beat otherwise the good wrestlers wouldn't stand out but how do you don that to a man? How do you look a grown man in the face and say, "Sir, from now on you will be known as Balls. Balls Mahoney. And not only that. You will not be very good." And before you get all up in my face and be all like, but Dustin, Balls was ECW tag-team champion 3 times, twice with Spike Dudley and once with Masato Tanaka, I say to you...shut up! You are such a wrestling nerd.

I really hope that if I ever reach my dream of being a Professional Comic they don't make me take the name Nuts McGee (although in this one particular case it might actually help my career . Who's going to remember the name Dustin D'Addato?).