Sunday, February 26, 2006

Screw the Sex Pistols

That's right, I said it! Screw the Sex Pistols. They just turned down an induction into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. I know, I know. It fits in with the whole Anarchy thing. But guess what Sex Pistols, you were never that good. It was the time and place that you came up.

You made one frinkin' album. One. And you think you are the best thing to happen to rock ever? Pearl Jam make 2 great albums. Guns N' Roses made 1 and 1/2. You made one. So when the R&R HOF calls, you show the fuck up and say thank you. You weren't geniouses. You were crazy people who could play music. Like Charles Manson but not as charasmatic.

Granted Bob Seger and The Sex Pistols should not be attending the same ceremony. I'll give them that. But then punch Bob Seger when you see him.

And why aren't they dead. They should be dead. I don't wish death on them, but I can't figure out how they are alive. They're all like 50. And in all that time, they only wrote one album. They say because they never needed to write another one. Well, you're wrong...Stupid Sex Pistols.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Swept Away...By Curling

Curling Fever, it's an epidemic people. The country can't get enough. From the "Curl Girls" Cassie and Jaime Johnson to Pete Fenson and Joey Polo, Curling has been rocking everyone's world. Or maybe just mine.

So far it has been bitter sweet. The girls only managed to win one game. If only Cassie was as good at Curling as she was at looking good, she would have won all her games (that picture is her). But the men are doing well and if they win on Friday they could bring home the first ever US Curling Medal. So that's something

But here is the thing I found out. All the people on the girls team and all the people on the men's team are all from the same town. ALL OF THEM. A town of 20,000 people has given us all the Curling people. I very much doubt that all the best curlers in the world the US come from there. Which makes me think...I should move to that town and become a curler.

I could be 4 years away from representing the United States in Curling. How hard can it be. It's shuffleboard on ice. Granted, I am not very good a shuffleboard. But I am decent at hockey. So that's got to mean something.

But I want to be a rock & roll curler. I am all about talking shit during the game. Playing music. Picking a team name that will inspire fear like "The Curl Killers" or "The Enders" (because each inning is called an "end"). And of course I would have a sterling silver skull on the end of by broom.

Curling world, you are about to be rocked. And if anything ever happens between my girlfriend and I, then Cassie, you are also about to be rocked....(maybe, I am okay with us just getting to know each other. You know, learning about each other and seeing if we have anything in common. Seeing if we share common views and goals. Appreciating each other as people. But again, that's only if something happens to my girlfriend, whom I love very much)

Thursday, February 16, 2006

But I Will Still See It...

First off, let me say that I generally don't like Paris Hilton jokes. There are some that are funny, but for the most part I think she is an easy punchline. But there comes a time when you have to mention her because the world has made it so. Today is that day.

According to internet superinfo place Paris Hilton is being considered to play Mother Teresa. Don't believe me? Check it out. ( That is the worst casting that has ever existed in the history of casting. You could have Jamie Foxx playing George Washington and I would say okay, he pulled off Ray and a bunch of other guys. Who knows. I would buy Tom Cruise as MLK jr. He's crazy but he makes fun movies. I'll check it out.

But Paris Hilton as Mother Teresa. Hasn't she been screwed enough. The chick hangs with lepers for like 50 years. Eating dirt and peeing in a hole in the ground. Then when she dies and should get a hero's funeral, Princess Di goes and gets killed and suddenly it's like Mother who?

Now she is to be immortalized by one of the most superficial people ever. Can't we help a brother out. What's Chalize doing? She can do it. Someone has to stop this. NOW!!!!

Saturday, February 11, 2006

You Look Sick...And Ugly!

Being sick sucks. You feel bad. You feel gross and you just want to hide in your bed until you feel better. But all to often that's not possible. You must venture out into the world even though you don't want to.

And for some reason people feel the need to point out to you your sick. And often not politely.

Example conversation:
You look sick.
Yeah, I'm not feeling well.
No. I mean you really look bad. Are you okay.
Yeah, I'll be fine.
Are you sure? You look horrible.

When else is it okay to say someone looks horrible? Why is it suddenly okay now? The sick person is already down, now they have to struggle with being ugly also. People should lie.

Example conversation:
Are you sick?
Yes, why?
Because you look hot.
Really, because I feel like crap.
Well it looks good on ya. You should get sick more often.
You think?
Oh yeah, listen if you're not doing anything right now, might I suggest me?

Then people would not mind being sick. And thinking positive helps people get healthy. So don't be a dick, screw a sick person.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Presidential Truth or Dare

And I want America to win. Everything. No matter what it is. For 2 weeks every 2 years I love America and I hate every other country in the world (except Italy). I am totally captivated by the whole thing. No matter what the athletes are competing at. They could be playing Hockey, Beer Pong or Truth or Dare.

That makes me think. You know what would be even better than the Olympics, if all the worlds leaders got together every two years and played truth or dare. Then if our leaders want to keep secrets they would have to embarrass themselves. Do you think it would be worth it to Bush to tell the truth about the reason we invaded Iraq to avoid having to the truffle shuffle. I know I want to find out.

If we all vote for it, they can't say no. Let's get the word out people.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

According to CNN... Part 1

Enjoy this first post in a list of many that will be based on stories that CNN Reported.

Apparently according to CNN, new car smell is toxic. And Teflon, that great product that makes it possible for me to burn the hell out of food and then not have to scrub it for hours after causes cancer.

First, scientist, let me say thanks for looking out for all of us. Second, screw you. Lie to me you bastards. New car smell works. Now you have to tell me it's because less Oxygen is getting to my brain. Did you ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, my brain gets too much oxygen as it is.

And Teflon causing cancer... You know what, don't start knocking down ideas until you have an alternative. Come up with a great "other" Teflon and I will listen to you. Otherwise stop trying to help me.

Science, you officially have 1 week to tell me that Doritos cure childhood leukemia. What are you waiting for science, go do it!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Home Movies (No, not those kind)

My I suggest a TV show to you. It's called Home Movies. You can see it weeknights at midnight on the Cartoon Network. It's hilarious. It's subtle. It's great.

They have a great collection of guest voices and all of them are great.

The show is about three kids who shoot home movies (that are generally horrible), their soccer coach (who never actually coaches and should not be anywhere near kids) and Brendan (the main character) mom.

I think the people who did Dr. Katz are involved in it.

That's all watch it. But do me a favor, watch a few episodes. It's been my experience that whenever you tell someone to watch a show, they catch the episode where something that never happens happens. Don't do that. It's worth enjoying.