Scary Story

So with it being about an hour until Halloween I thought it only appropriate to share a scary story with y'all. Well, it probably will not scare you. But it scared the hell out of me at the time. So here is what happened.

It was a freshman in high school. I was hanging out with my friend Ian and we were headed to my place to play ping pong. We played a lot of ping pong at that time. I am very good at it. So is he. Seriously, don't ever challenge either of us, we will kick your ass (read: we were very unpopular in high school). So it was pretty late at this point. We had been at his place. I would estimate that it was around midnight (although it may have been 10, I will go with midnight for effect).

Anyway, we were going to my house. We were busy talking about whatever lame bullshit that we talked about back then. We had just turned the corner to my block when we saw it...

Before I explain what it was let me tell you the story of the house on the corner of my block. No one really knew anything about the people that lived there. The one thing that we did know was that they never answered the door and they never kept up the yard. The grass was weedy and overgrown. I had heard various stories. One person said the person that lived there was in a wheelchair and was angry about it. Others said it was an elderly man who was stuck in his bed. No one really knew for sure. But that had a lot to do with the fact that we never saw anyone who lived in the house. That was until that night.

So back to the story. We turned the corner and looked the house. It was normally very dark. But not tonight. Tonight (remember it's midnight, probably) the whole yard was very lit up. In the driveway was a woman. I would say she was about 70. She was in a long white pajama thing. It blew in the wind. It was incredibly weird to see her out there. But what she was doing was even weirder. She was........she was.........trimming the hedges. With an electric hedge trimmer. Why? I don't know. She had never left the house before and suddenly she was concerned about hedge maintenance at midnight in her pajamas.

Naturally we assumed that we should run. And we did. Actually Ian was on his bike. But true to his solid moral character, he didn't ride any faster than I could run. And run I did, all the way to my apartment. We were both humored and afraid. So much so that Ian slept over that night so he would not have to go past her. She went on to adopt the name the Chainsaw lady. Because it was both more intimidating and more easier to say then electric hedge clipper lady. I still get a little freaked out when I look at the house.

Annoying to Awesome

Sometimes things can go from annoying to awesome very quickly. Here's my example. I was on the train the other day with my girlfriend and there were four loud drunk guys. They sounded very stupid and had huge egos. You could tell that they were talking extra loud to get people to look at them. Every sentence they said was some annoying thing about these chicks they were going to bang or the money they were making doing whatever stupid thing they do. I couldn't stand listening to them.

Then around four stops before Ditmars (where they said they were going) one of the drunk guys said, "Are we there yet?" and his drunk friend said, "Yeah. Get off now." And he did. Then the doors closed and the train pulled away. It was great. At first he looked like a sad puppy as he watched the doors close, then he flipped his friends off. It was really funny to watch, but then it got better because his friends began to talk about how he was coming to visit them and had no idea where everyone lived.

At this point the friends began to argue about what they were going to do. "You go back for him." "No, you go back for him, he's your friend". "You've known him longer." "Well, I'm not going back for him. We have to meet the girls." "Yeah, I guess he'll figure it out. He shouldn't have gotten off the train." "Call his cell phone." "He doesn't have one." "What time are we supposed to meet the girls."

They totally left him there. It made all the annoying stuff totally worth it.

Reader Mail: Me vs. Slash

From time to time I like to answer some reader mail. Tonight's letter comes from Judy Kramer from Sunnyside Queens. It reads, "Dear Dustin, I really like reading your blog. Sometimes I read it when I'm, you know...alone. Anyway, sometimes I get you and Slash from Guns N' Roses confused. I am sure that I am not the only one. Could you help me out with that. By the way, notice that I said Slash from GNR and not Velvet Revolver, because that is such bullshit. Anyway, I love you. Is that weird, for me to tell you that I love you? Okay. Have a good day. (I'm watching you! Just kidding...maybe) Sincerely, Judy."

Well Judy. I appreciate your letter. Believe me, I get this letter all the time. So once and for all I will clear this up so it doesn't happen again. Here are a few differences, although there may be more.

Guitar
I can't play guitar. Okay, I can play the first few seconds of Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits on the acoustic. Slash on the other hands kicks ass.

Hat
Slash wears a top hat all the time, including the shower and when he is doing, but not in church. Slash is very respectful of the lord. On the other hand, I never wear a hat all, except in church, where I wear a top hat because I think the lord likes it when I am formal.

Shirt
I wear a lot of shirts. Like every day. I have a bunch. Some I wear all the time. Some that are dry clean only. Slash doesn't own any shirts at all. No matter how cold it gets, Slash never wears a shirt

Vodka
My circulatory system uses blood. Slash, well....

Sketch Comedy
Slash is a really shitty sketch comedy writer. I on the hand am mediocre. But honestly people, Slash is just terrible. Everything he writes is so obvious. And like, how many game show parody sketches can one guy write. "Guess The Bacteria"? It had a few funny lines, but it would never have worked.

Those are just a few of the difference. I will try to think of more, but please write in if you have other questions.

Short posts.

They can leave you feeling very unfulf...

I like candy.

I like candy. It tastes good. I am a very big fan of gummy type candy. I've had bears and cherries and even some very gross gummy hamburgers. But the one most unusual things I've ever seen is Gummy Stock Cars. Who could have possibly thought that people would prefer their candy in a NASCAR style mold. Who would buy those? I would, and I did (initially for purely mocking reasons). And they were good. They are the official gummy candy of Rusty Wallace. For the record my official gummy candy is Gummy Twin Cherries. What's the point of the post? To announce my official gummy candy. What's yours?

After everyone has gone home.....

Am I the only one who thinks that the office is a scary place late at night? Like after everyone has left. There is always one place where the lights are turned off where they are not normally turned off. That part of the office is petrifiying. Like there is some killer that came in while everyone was at lunch and is just waiting to kill the person who didn't finish thier work on time. I'll bet one day a boss is going to do that, stay late and kill an employee. That way everyone works harder during the day so they don't have to stay late

The worst is if you are in an office with motion sensor lighting, because then you could be sitting there trying to get some stupid spreadsheet to format correctly (and you knew how to do it yesterday and you swear you are doing the exact same thing, but the damn thing won't listen) and then the light next to your desk goes off. All on it's own. You know it's the motion sensor....at least you hope it is.

I once was leaving and on my way out I heard someone's radio playing, but no one was there. That will stop you cold. Maybe they were listening when they were killed! People don't just leave radios on. I did a survey. The worst part was that it was on the oldies station. Something about the oldies station says you are going to get stabbed in the face to me.

So that's why I always try to finish my work on time, so I don't get stabbed in the face.

Skeeger - They are funny

In place of a funny little story, I am going to put in a plug for a funny little sketch group, one that I direct. They are called Skeeger and they are performing tonight @ 7pm (and the next two Mondays in October) and the people's improv theater in NYC. They are smart, funny and able to come up with a third adjective more often than me.

So do yourself a favor and stop reading this and go see them. You will be glad you did.

Then come back and read this again, and every day so you can learn about me and how I see the world. You can write a paper about me. It will get published in a journal and we will both be famous. Won't that be fun? So don't ruin it and screw up the plan. See you tonight at the show. (mostly after the show unless you are sitting in front of me, in which case, stop moving your head around so much it's really annoying.)

Giving to the homeless

Last night I did something that I almost never do. I gave money to a homeless person. Specifically it was a woman who was crying and had a big cut in the back of her leg. She was clearly having a bad day, if not a bad life. Although I guess it can be assumed that things aren't really going your way if you are homeless. But this woman seemed pretty bad off. Compared to many people I see on the train who ask for money she was rare. Most frankly don't know that they are doing. It occured to me that with the advent of public internet places that a lot of homeless people might be surfing the web, so if you are homeless and reading this know, I am here to to help. Now with money, but with some suggestions on how you may get more money. Here it goes.

Dress For Success
Listen, I understand that just because you are homeless that doesn't mean that you have to dress like a homo with ripped pants and broken shoes and all that. But if you are going to ask me for money, you better dress the part. In my closet right now I have two pairs of pants with holes in them. And 50% of my socks do too. If you are wearing nicer pants than I, I am not going to give you money.

What's Your Motivation
I could not imagine anything worse then being poor and alone and having to beg others for money just so I could eat. It has to be one of the most miserable things anyone ever has to do. So that's why it is very important to convey that when you are asking people for money. If you're all "whatever" about it then I'm not going to think you really care about it. Especially those guys who say the same thing every time. Change it up. Surprise me. Do stand up comedy. Then I will feel like you have provided a service.

Get a Kid.
If you have a kid, I will give you money. So go get one. They don't eat much and they will totally triple your income. But after the first kid, it starts cutting into your profit margin, so pretend you're in China and keep it to one.


Follow these three pointers and you are sure to be a happy and successful homeless person. As usual, if you have anything to add please feel free to click the little comment link below the post and tell me what you else you think could help.

Terror On The Subway

So last week here in the city we were all informed of a possible terror threat on the subway. There were a ton of cops on the subway, which is understandable. The thing that stuck out to me was that they put twice the number of cops on the trains taking people to the Yankee game because they were concerned that a plot that had been months, if not years, in the making somehow involved baseball. And I began to think, what if it did?

Imagine if you were a terrorist with this plan about bombing the Yankee game in the playoffs and all of a sudden the Yankees aren't doing so good. The Yanks didn't clinch until the second to last day of the season. Can you imagine how rough that must have been on them. There they are, just wanting to sacrifice themselves for the good of their god and Randy Johnson can't throw a damn strike. That would piss me off.

But then the Yankees finally do make it and the plan is back on....or is it? Apparently mother nature and Allah were not on the same page because thanks to a rain delay the Yankees had to pospone their game for a day. That would have really sucked for the terrorist. They spent a whole day preparing themselves. Saying good bye to people. Giving away all their stuff. Eating all the food in the fridge and then it rains. It must have been so awkward going back to the apartment that night. Because you know before the terrorist left he told his roommate all the stuff that annoys him. "You know dishes don't wash themselves." the terrorist would say. "Go fuck yourself" would reply the roommate while regretting moving in to the first apartment he looked at off of Craigslist. Now they had to sit there watching the Napoleon Dynamite dude on SNL pretending nothing happened. That's not fun.

Have a nice day.

And the Yankees lose....

So I only have 5 minutes to come up with something wonderful for y'all to read because it's my girlfriend's birthday and I need to meet up with her to see a movie. So I need to come up with something interesting fast. What? I already lost you with my babbleing about how I need to come up with something? That's very rude of you. At last give me a couple of paragraphs.

Hmmmmmmm, it rained a lot today. So that's something. No, it's not. It's boring.

The Yankees. I will talk about them. They lost. That sucked. But there is something about playoff baseball that I realize about myself that might make me a bad sports fan. As sad as I am to see the Yankees lose I am happy to be able to sleep. Those games are on late.

Maybe that is why they do that, so that you are not as devistated when your team loses. "Well, we lost, but we gained sleep." you could say to yourself to make you feel better. I know that sounds wimpy of me, but too bad. I like sleep.

As a kid I remember saying to myself, when I get old I will never go to sleep because my parents can't make me. I was wrong. I mean, my parents can't make me, but I do go to sleep. And I like it. Plus you go insane if you don't sleep and eventually it will kill you. All the more reason to sleep.

So in a way, the Yankees losing has made me a little less insane.

The Sick Passenger

You thought I was going to forget to blog today didn’t you. So little faith…. I have faith in you, you know. I know that if you just apply yourself you can do most anything. Because when you’ve got faith of the heart you can do anything. Oh Enterprise (the prequel to Star Trek) you are filled with such obvious wisdom. What did we ever do without you?

So my rant today has to do with the subway, specifically the sick passenger. I myself have never actually seen a sick passenger on the subway. But apparently it happens all the time. So we need to clear a few things up incase you find yourself on the train and feeling sick. Here are a few rules to live by…

Rules

1) Get off the train. If you are sick and you need medical attention, please note that the train conductor (who’s not really conducting any more, he’s more like hanging out and turning a little knob. Of course I don’t know what the old train conductors did, so in reality they might have done that too, but for the time being, let’s just saying he’s not conducting) is not a doctor. Odds are no one on the train is a doctor because they have enough money to take cabs. So pull your pained, withering body off the train so people can continue on the way.

2) If you must get sick on the train do it in a place that doesn’t suck. Like on the J line. No one takes the J line, or the M line of the Z line. (I was going to make a lame J, Z joke but I’m sure you can do that for yourself and as I said, it would have been lame.

3) The train will jolt when it starts moving. So like, watch out for that. I think most sick passengers are people who just fell when the train started moving. And I feel bad about that. I don’t want to see anyone (okay, I don’t want to see most people) get hurt but every single time the train starts moving, it jolts forward. It’s a 40 ton piece of metal that is going from still to not still, it’s going to jolt. Expect it. Wait until the train starts moving or sit down right away. You have been warned. From now on, if you fall I will laugh and push you out of the train at the next stop.

Those are my rules for now. There is a handy little section for comments write under this article if you would like to add some of your own rules or if you just want to tell me to go screw you can do that too. But if the latter is your choice, please be specific as to who you want me to screw (I would really prefer it if it were my girlfriend that you suggested since she gets a little angry when I consider screwing other girls). Have a nice day. (but after today, you are on your own buddy.)

Day 2 - An Asian Experience

Hey,

Welcome to day two of me being a blogger, (day one for you since no one knew I had this on day one. As I was wondering what to write about today a friend of mine passed along information that I have to share with everyone. It's good news. The wonderful martial artist, actor, producer and business man that is Steven Seagal is now also the maker of his own energy drink. That's right. Don't trust me. Check it out for yourself.

Lightningdrink.com

With such amazing choices as Asian Experience, Root Beer Rush and of course Cherry Charge, how could you go wrong. I mean seriously people, why aren't you drinking this right now. Don't you want the same energy that made Steven Seagal sort of a star. Sure some say that even DMX (in Exit Wounds) is a better actor and that even Seann William Scott (in The Rundown, co-starring the Rock) is a better action star, but none of them can match Steven's incredibly subdued energy. And none of them can make a drink out of pure juice.

So let's all make a root beer rush ice cream float and raise a glass of pure energy to Steven Seagal, for continuing to be ridiculous, long after people have forgotten who he is. Thanks for the memories Steven.

Now I'm a Blogger?

Hey, Y'all,

Apparently now I am a blogger. Does that make me a dork? Probably. But you're a dork too. You're reading a blog aren't you.... Look at me alienating my audience right off the top. I'm just kidding reader. I like you. You're listening to my inane bull crap. And with any luck there will be more inane crap for you to listen to. And more poor grammar and poor spelling and incomplete sentences. My hope is that my 5th grade English teacher will one day appear at my apartment and just beat the crap out of me. Then when someone says, "Hey, you spelled that wrong." I can say, "Well, I already got punched in the face for it, so shut up.

Anyway, that's my introduction to the world of blog. I have a geocities site that is called desperate ramblings, but since I am going to be starting up my own web page soon I will probably post all the articles on there on this page so that you can read them. (most of you have already read them, but hey, maybe some stranger will read this too.)

Talk to you soon,

Me