A New Years Miracle

In my entire life I have only made the mistake of trying to go to Times Square for New Years once. If you never have, don't. It's cold. It's crowded and if you have to go to the bathroom you can't come back. And guess what hot shot, they have it on TV, just watch the damn thing on TV.

But I made the mistake and I went one year. The plan: Find a bar. Drink at said bar. At 11:30 go to Times Square. See the ball drop. How did it turn out? Two words, "Yeah, right!"

First of all, you can't get into bars in NYC without paying a cover. No problem, you say. Just pay the 15 bucks. But it ain't no 15 bucks. It's like 75 or 100. Yeah, you get open bar, but I don't drink that much. I'm not having 20 drinks so I am not paying your obscene cover. How dare you try to pull that crap on me.

So, no bar. Therefore, no drinks. So it's New Years Eve. We're stone cold sober. It's 15 degrees out and we are wandering the streets with no destination. At around 11:15 we decide it's time to head to Times Square. Turns out, you have to commit a little bit sooner. 8 hours sooner. We couldn't even see the ball from where we were. Or see a clock.

But I have to admit that the people that were surrounding us were very nice and everyone was drunk and happy. It was nice.

By this point I am sure you are thinking, this thing is called New Years miracle. So where is the damn miracle. Here it comes.

The ball drops (theoretically) and we all cheer. In the excitement someone knocks off my glasses (at the time I had glasses). I had just paid 300 bucks for those suckers. I instantly freaked. I'm in a crowd of like, what, a million people and I just dropped a see through object onto a floor covered in glitter. There was no way I was finding those things.

With the power that previously had only been seen when a car falls on a baby and a mother needs to lift it, I pushed the entire crowd back so no one would step on them. And within a matter of seconds a friend reached down and grabbed them. (I didn't even try, I was holding back a million people).

It's not a big miracle. But to me it was like Jesus reached out and said, here are your glasses back, you little scamp. Be more careful next time.

The Comedians Of Comedy

For those of you who have not heard of it, Comedy Central is airing a show called The Comedians of Comedy. It follows 4 stand up comics on a comedy tour and shows all the fun behind the scene stuff. This show seriously could not have been more made for me unless is was a show called, "Hot Chicks That Secretly Want To Sleep With Dustin Talk About How Hot He Is And How Much They want to Do Him."

It's so interesting to see a bunch of comics who I consider to be successful dealing with their own personal frustrations over the fact that they don't think they are successful. It's funny and it's a good look into a place that I one day hope to be in.

You should check it out.

My watch

The battery to my watch died last week. This week has been hell! I am a slave to time. Deadlines. Rehearsals. Lunch. I need to know the time for all these things. Without a watch I am screwed. Now some may say that you can see the time almost anywhere you look. That's true. But I like it on my wrist.

There are many people who don't like to wear a watch. How do they live? With some many things based on time it seems like you would be late all the time. Do they think they are too cool to be on time? Listen my friend. Being late is UNCOOL!

Am I some how a square for wanting to know the time? Am I a square for wanting to be punctual. Am I a square for using the word square?

I don't believe in fashionably late. Well, I mean I have heard of it. I've seen people try to do it. But I think it's better to be fashionably early. So that when the host is all worried that no one is going to come, there you are to pay them back for the party. As a host, do you ever like the fashionably late people? No. You don't. You like the person who comes 20 minutes after the party is supposed to start and brings beer and chips. And who wears a watch.

I need a new battery soon. Time, I miss you....

One Of The Worst Ideas Ever...

So I read an article today explaining that Coke was coming out with a new drink. If you know me, you know I love coke. I cut them all sorts of slack because the drink tastes so good. But now they are going to far.

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/2005-12-07-coke-products_x.htm

Coke is developing Coke-Cola Blak. A coffee flavored soft drink. No! I say you can not do that Coke. I forgave you for New Coke. I forgave you for putting lime in Coke. I sort of like Vanilla Coke (which is no more incase you didn't know). But you can't just do whatever you want. You must stop the insanity!

Coffee and sort drinks do not match. Both have their own place. Both are good, but not together. For example, I like Jell-o, and I like baked ziti. But if you put jell-o in my baked ziti I am going to be mad. Same for coffee in my coke.

It's a slippery slope people, first they put coffee in your coke, next people are marrying dogs. We've got to stop it now!

Poker Night

Tomorrow is "Poker Night"...

It's a brand spanking new Variety show hosted by me, Nick Turner and Shayna Ferm.
Here are the details...

Poker Night
@ The Ace Of Clubs
9 Great Jones St.
8 pm
Free

With Special Guests:
Johm Mullany
Kristen Schaal
Christian Finnegan

Come check it out. You will have a good time.

I'm Not Telling You What I Am Thankful For!

I like the Thanksgiving thing. Everyone gets together. They eat. They talk about life. It's nice. It makes families all warm and cozy. But I was thinking, why don't we have a day of resent. I mean think about it. If you ask me what I am thankful for I really need to think about it. Sure, there's health. Loved ones. Employment. But I mean, who wants to sit around a table and talk about that stuff. LAME!!! But if you ask me about what I resent, I will say "pull up a chair friend and let me tell you a tale'"

Or how about a day of taking things for granted. I say "thank you" like 100 times a day (yes, I am very polite). I want a day where someone could hold a door open for me and I say, "damn straight, bitch!" That would be a day that I could get behind. And you wouldn't have to change much. Family already takes each other for granted. Oh, you worked two days cooking? I brought over a box of cookies. Now we're even. It's happening all the time people.

I say we make August 15 "Taking Things for Granted Day" since there are like no holidays in August and we make it a Wednesday and just assume that we would get off both Thursday and Friday. (You get it, we would take for granted that they would give us those days off. I'm such a card.)

Then we make Resent day February 29th. That way we can Resent the fact that it only happens once every four years. I'm going to start a petition. Here I go. See you later.

But It's Tradition...

Everyone has their own traditions. Most of the time they are comforting. They remind you of an earlier time. They bring people together. But there are others that are just annoying. Here is one of mine that sucks.

Every year on the Friday after Thanksgiving all of my high school friends and I get together and play football. For most people that one be fun. I hate it. I am not good at football....at all. And it is always super cold. And I always ruin my clothes. And most people don't want to play. But it's tradition, so every year we do it. The reason that everyone gives for playing is, "well we always do." So? Let's change it. How about the new tradition is that everyone gives me 50 dollars, and after the first year I can say, well you have to because that's what we do, we give me money.

Fight sucky traditions. Don't let people make you do things. Or at least make it so I benefit financially from whatever it is.

Sometimes I Is Stupid

No matter how hard I try to be smart, I ain't (sometimes). Last week I proved it. But I am not sure I am the only one who has even done this thing I am about to explain. If you have done it, please let me know so I don't feel so bad.

I was heading towards the subway and on my way through the turnstyle when I just totally forgot that you need to pay to get on the subway. I walked full speed into the metal bar. Mind you, I was in the middle of time square so there was a bunch of people behind me. All looking at me as though I was a complete idiot and I was. How the hell did I forget you need to pay to get on the subway? The scary thing is that this was not the first time that happend. I felt stupid.

Eventually I used my metrocard and got on the train. When the train came to my stop I took one step off before I realized that we had not infact pulled into my stop, but we were one stop short. And the same people who saw me forget to pay for the subway now were watching me not know where the hell I was going. I could feel their eyes roll.

So when you are looking at people on the subway and you see some idiot doing something stupid, realize it may be me.

Small Town In The Big City

I generally don't like small towns. Mostly because I am not patient enough to have to travel 20 minutes to get milk (I don't drink milk, but if I ever want it, it will be right away). I don't like the lack of options. And they generally do not have even one good pizza place.

However, what I do like about small towns is the personal service that you get there because everyone in the town knows each other and stores rely on the business of the people in that town. With 8 million people in NYC you don't get that very often. Except in one place I have discovered, the donut truck.

You know the ones I am talking about. The small silver stand that sells coffee, donuts, muffins and bagels. There is one on virtually every corner. And that's what makes them so different, that there is one on every corner, so if you don't like the guy in the cart here, go 50 feet and there is another guy with the exact same donuts. So what separates one donut guy from another? Personality and caring.

I get a can of Pepsi and a chocolate donut with sprinkles just about every morning. And I get it from the same donut cart. Why? Because it's in the bag waiting for me when I get there. The two guys in the cart know what I want and they have it ready. We chat for a few seconds and I feel as though they care. Not a lot, but just enough. I once had a donut guy who refused to sell the last chocolate donut to someone else because he knew that I came for one every day and he didn't want me to be disappointed when it was not there.

I like that. It makes me feel special. When I am crammed into a subway with hundreds of other people every morning, annoyed that I am awake and sitting on mass transportation I remember that somewhere there are two nice men waiting to give me a donut and wish me a good day. That's nice. It's like a mom and pop store in the middle of Manhattan.

Famous Dinner Party

A funny party game (according to the television) is if you could have a dinner party with anyone that has ever lived who would it be. I personally have never played that game, heard of anyone playing that game, or had any desire to play the game. so much so, I figured that I would just post here who would be at the dinner party so that if anyone ever asked me I could say, look at my blog and then leave the room. So here it goes. (I am assuming 4 people, without spouses)

1. Joseph McCarthy - Man, did he hate communism. He was a nut job and ruined a lot of peoples lives. I am very curious where this hatred stemmed from. I would be very interested to discuss his fears and the things he enjoyed (we never hear about that). I wonder if he feels like an ass now, knowing how weak communism really was. (although China is communist and they are bad ass).

2. Wilt Chamberlain - He slept with 10,000 woman. While I understand that is physically possible I find it very hard to believe. Although I doubt that Wilt would lie to me. But think about it, that's a big time commitment. You have to think he probably did at least 400 of those woman to get his number up. Imagine that for a moment.

3. Rachel Leigh Cook - She's very pretty. I want to know when she will be making "Josie and the Pussycats 2". The first one was very underrated. I know what you are thinking, "What. That movie sucked." Did it? Or do you just think it did. I'll bet you never even saw it. Because if you did you would see that it is a funny original film that is very deserving of a sequel. I know that I want to see more of those characters, and not just because it was three very pretty girls. But because of the interesting story telling and the jokes that challenged, rather than insulted, my intelligence. Rachel played Josie and I would bet that she has the inside track on any Josie news. I am sure I could convince her that a sequel was both appropriate and needed. And she is very pretty.

4. Mr. T - How much fun would it be to hang out with the T. I am sure that he is bat shit insane, but I'll bet he's got great stories. And I have so many questions about the A-Team. I'll bet no one has ever said, "Man, that was so boring hanging out with Mr. T." He's a good time and everyone knows it. I think he would be good at breaking the ice with everyone at the table. I just hope he doesn't take all the attention away from me...

So there you go.

Pay Attention Random People!

So I was picking up my clothes at the laundromat the other day. Yes I drop of my clothes. It's my way of treating myself. My time is imporant to me. I don't want to waste any of it looking at a washing machine.

So I walked into the place and gave my ticket to the unhappy lady behind the counter. There were about 8 other people there doing their own laundry. They also seemed pretty unhappy. (See why I just drop off and pick up. I don't want to be one of those unhappy people.) As I was waiting for the lady to find my bag (for the record it was directly behind her and I tried to point that out, but she was having none of it) a new song came on the radio. That song, "Dirty Laundry" by Don Henley.

Remember, I am in the laundromat and the song "dirty laundry" is playing. That's...well, not funny, but enjoyable. It's something you notice. You smile. You say, "hmmm, that's cool. What are the odds of that?". But there was no reaction from anyone. Like they didn't even notice.

Come on. It deserves a reaction of some kind. Laundromat, "dirty laundry". Seriously people, notice these things. Think about all the other things you may be missing. Like your ability to look into the future. "But Dustin" you say, "I can't look into the future." To which I say, "Maybe you can, but you just haven't noticed it because you were too busy thinking about eating or that cute person who's naughty parts you want to touch with your hand, face and naughty parts."

Will I go back to that laundromat? Maybe. Will it ever be the same for me? No way!!!!

Never Dracula Again!

When I was young I did not have a lot of money. I mean, personally I had almost no money but my family had very little as well. One place that I was reminded of this was on Halloween. My family literally never purchased costumes. I was only able to wear whatever my grandmother could make from what we already had at home. Which would have been fine, except for one thing. She didn't like making costumes.

I was dracula 4 years in a row. 4 years. Kids notice that. All the kids notice that. They made fun of it. Halloween is not fun when people hate your costume.

If I ever have a kid, I am going to make sure they have a great (and different) costume every year. Kids in good costumes are the cutest things ever. Even cuter, kids in bad costumes. But kids in the same damn costume...lame.

Scary Story

So with it being about an hour until Halloween I thought it only appropriate to share a scary story with y'all. Well, it probably will not scare you. But it scared the hell out of me at the time. So here is what happened.

It was a freshman in high school. I was hanging out with my friend Ian and we were headed to my place to play ping pong. We played a lot of ping pong at that time. I am very good at it. So is he. Seriously, don't ever challenge either of us, we will kick your ass (read: we were very unpopular in high school). So it was pretty late at this point. We had been at his place. I would estimate that it was around midnight (although it may have been 10, I will go with midnight for effect).

Anyway, we were going to my house. We were busy talking about whatever lame bullshit that we talked about back then. We had just turned the corner to my block when we saw it...

Before I explain what it was let me tell you the story of the house on the corner of my block. No one really knew anything about the people that lived there. The one thing that we did know was that they never answered the door and they never kept up the yard. The grass was weedy and overgrown. I had heard various stories. One person said the person that lived there was in a wheelchair and was angry about it. Others said it was an elderly man who was stuck in his bed. No one really knew for sure. But that had a lot to do with the fact that we never saw anyone who lived in the house. That was until that night.

So back to the story. We turned the corner and looked the house. It was normally very dark. But not tonight. Tonight (remember it's midnight, probably) the whole yard was very lit up. In the driveway was a woman. I would say she was about 70. She was in a long white pajama thing. It blew in the wind. It was incredibly weird to see her out there. But what she was doing was even weirder. She was........she was.........trimming the hedges. With an electric hedge trimmer. Why? I don't know. She had never left the house before and suddenly she was concerned about hedge maintenance at midnight in her pajamas.

Naturally we assumed that we should run. And we did. Actually Ian was on his bike. But true to his solid moral character, he didn't ride any faster than I could run. And run I did, all the way to my apartment. We were both humored and afraid. So much so that Ian slept over that night so he would not have to go past her. She went on to adopt the name the Chainsaw lady. Because it was both more intimidating and more easier to say then electric hedge clipper lady. I still get a little freaked out when I look at the house.

Annoying to Awesome

Sometimes things can go from annoying to awesome very quickly. Here's my example. I was on the train the other day with my girlfriend and there were four loud drunk guys. They sounded very stupid and had huge egos. You could tell that they were talking extra loud to get people to look at them. Every sentence they said was some annoying thing about these chicks they were going to bang or the money they were making doing whatever stupid thing they do. I couldn't stand listening to them.

Then around four stops before Ditmars (where they said they were going) one of the drunk guys said, "Are we there yet?" and his drunk friend said, "Yeah. Get off now." And he did. Then the doors closed and the train pulled away. It was great. At first he looked like a sad puppy as he watched the doors close, then he flipped his friends off. It was really funny to watch, but then it got better because his friends began to talk about how he was coming to visit them and had no idea where everyone lived.

At this point the friends began to argue about what they were going to do. "You go back for him." "No, you go back for him, he's your friend". "You've known him longer." "Well, I'm not going back for him. We have to meet the girls." "Yeah, I guess he'll figure it out. He shouldn't have gotten off the train." "Call his cell phone." "He doesn't have one." "What time are we supposed to meet the girls."

They totally left him there. It made all the annoying stuff totally worth it.

Reader Mail: Me vs. Slash

From time to time I like to answer some reader mail. Tonight's letter comes from Judy Kramer from Sunnyside Queens. It reads, "Dear Dustin, I really like reading your blog. Sometimes I read it when I'm, you know...alone. Anyway, sometimes I get you and Slash from Guns N' Roses confused. I am sure that I am not the only one. Could you help me out with that. By the way, notice that I said Slash from GNR and not Velvet Revolver, because that is such bullshit. Anyway, I love you. Is that weird, for me to tell you that I love you? Okay. Have a good day. (I'm watching you! Just kidding...maybe) Sincerely, Judy."

Well Judy. I appreciate your letter. Believe me, I get this letter all the time. So once and for all I will clear this up so it doesn't happen again. Here are a few differences, although there may be more.

Guitar
I can't play guitar. Okay, I can play the first few seconds of Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits on the acoustic. Slash on the other hands kicks ass.

Hat
Slash wears a top hat all the time, including the shower and when he is doing, but not in church. Slash is very respectful of the lord. On the other hand, I never wear a hat all, except in church, where I wear a top hat because I think the lord likes it when I am formal.

Shirt
I wear a lot of shirts. Like every day. I have a bunch. Some I wear all the time. Some that are dry clean only. Slash doesn't own any shirts at all. No matter how cold it gets, Slash never wears a shirt

Vodka
My circulatory system uses blood. Slash, well....

Sketch Comedy
Slash is a really shitty sketch comedy writer. I on the hand am mediocre. But honestly people, Slash is just terrible. Everything he writes is so obvious. And like, how many game show parody sketches can one guy write. "Guess The Bacteria"? It had a few funny lines, but it would never have worked.

Those are just a few of the difference. I will try to think of more, but please write in if you have other questions.

Short posts.

They can leave you feeling very unfulf...

I like candy.

I like candy. It tastes good. I am a very big fan of gummy type candy. I've had bears and cherries and even some very gross gummy hamburgers. But the one most unusual things I've ever seen is Gummy Stock Cars. Who could have possibly thought that people would prefer their candy in a NASCAR style mold. Who would buy those? I would, and I did (initially for purely mocking reasons). And they were good. They are the official gummy candy of Rusty Wallace. For the record my official gummy candy is Gummy Twin Cherries. What's the point of the post? To announce my official gummy candy. What's yours?

After everyone has gone home.....

Am I the only one who thinks that the office is a scary place late at night? Like after everyone has left. There is always one place where the lights are turned off where they are not normally turned off. That part of the office is petrifiying. Like there is some killer that came in while everyone was at lunch and is just waiting to kill the person who didn't finish thier work on time. I'll bet one day a boss is going to do that, stay late and kill an employee. That way everyone works harder during the day so they don't have to stay late

The worst is if you are in an office with motion sensor lighting, because then you could be sitting there trying to get some stupid spreadsheet to format correctly (and you knew how to do it yesterday and you swear you are doing the exact same thing, but the damn thing won't listen) and then the light next to your desk goes off. All on it's own. You know it's the motion sensor....at least you hope it is.

I once was leaving and on my way out I heard someone's radio playing, but no one was there. That will stop you cold. Maybe they were listening when they were killed! People don't just leave radios on. I did a survey. The worst part was that it was on the oldies station. Something about the oldies station says you are going to get stabbed in the face to me.

So that's why I always try to finish my work on time, so I don't get stabbed in the face.

Skeeger - They are funny

In place of a funny little story, I am going to put in a plug for a funny little sketch group, one that I direct. They are called Skeeger and they are performing tonight @ 7pm (and the next two Mondays in October) and the people's improv theater in NYC. They are smart, funny and able to come up with a third adjective more often than me.

So do yourself a favor and stop reading this and go see them. You will be glad you did.

Then come back and read this again, and every day so you can learn about me and how I see the world. You can write a paper about me. It will get published in a journal and we will both be famous. Won't that be fun? So don't ruin it and screw up the plan. See you tonight at the show. (mostly after the show unless you are sitting in front of me, in which case, stop moving your head around so much it's really annoying.)

Giving to the homeless

Last night I did something that I almost never do. I gave money to a homeless person. Specifically it was a woman who was crying and had a big cut in the back of her leg. She was clearly having a bad day, if not a bad life. Although I guess it can be assumed that things aren't really going your way if you are homeless. But this woman seemed pretty bad off. Compared to many people I see on the train who ask for money she was rare. Most frankly don't know that they are doing. It occured to me that with the advent of public internet places that a lot of homeless people might be surfing the web, so if you are homeless and reading this know, I am here to to help. Now with money, but with some suggestions on how you may get more money. Here it goes.

Dress For Success
Listen, I understand that just because you are homeless that doesn't mean that you have to dress like a homo with ripped pants and broken shoes and all that. But if you are going to ask me for money, you better dress the part. In my closet right now I have two pairs of pants with holes in them. And 50% of my socks do too. If you are wearing nicer pants than I, I am not going to give you money.

What's Your Motivation
I could not imagine anything worse then being poor and alone and having to beg others for money just so I could eat. It has to be one of the most miserable things anyone ever has to do. So that's why it is very important to convey that when you are asking people for money. If you're all "whatever" about it then I'm not going to think you really care about it. Especially those guys who say the same thing every time. Change it up. Surprise me. Do stand up comedy. Then I will feel like you have provided a service.

Get a Kid.
If you have a kid, I will give you money. So go get one. They don't eat much and they will totally triple your income. But after the first kid, it starts cutting into your profit margin, so pretend you're in China and keep it to one.


Follow these three pointers and you are sure to be a happy and successful homeless person. As usual, if you have anything to add please feel free to click the little comment link below the post and tell me what you else you think could help.

Terror On The Subway

So last week here in the city we were all informed of a possible terror threat on the subway. There were a ton of cops on the subway, which is understandable. The thing that stuck out to me was that they put twice the number of cops on the trains taking people to the Yankee game because they were concerned that a plot that had been months, if not years, in the making somehow involved baseball. And I began to think, what if it did?

Imagine if you were a terrorist with this plan about bombing the Yankee game in the playoffs and all of a sudden the Yankees aren't doing so good. The Yanks didn't clinch until the second to last day of the season. Can you imagine how rough that must have been on them. There they are, just wanting to sacrifice themselves for the good of their god and Randy Johnson can't throw a damn strike. That would piss me off.

But then the Yankees finally do make it and the plan is back on....or is it? Apparently mother nature and Allah were not on the same page because thanks to a rain delay the Yankees had to pospone their game for a day. That would have really sucked for the terrorist. They spent a whole day preparing themselves. Saying good bye to people. Giving away all their stuff. Eating all the food in the fridge and then it rains. It must have been so awkward going back to the apartment that night. Because you know before the terrorist left he told his roommate all the stuff that annoys him. "You know dishes don't wash themselves." the terrorist would say. "Go fuck yourself" would reply the roommate while regretting moving in to the first apartment he looked at off of Craigslist. Now they had to sit there watching the Napoleon Dynamite dude on SNL pretending nothing happened. That's not fun.

Have a nice day.

And the Yankees lose....

So I only have 5 minutes to come up with something wonderful for y'all to read because it's my girlfriend's birthday and I need to meet up with her to see a movie. So I need to come up with something interesting fast. What? I already lost you with my babbleing about how I need to come up with something? That's very rude of you. At last give me a couple of paragraphs.

Hmmmmmmm, it rained a lot today. So that's something. No, it's not. It's boring.

The Yankees. I will talk about them. They lost. That sucked. But there is something about playoff baseball that I realize about myself that might make me a bad sports fan. As sad as I am to see the Yankees lose I am happy to be able to sleep. Those games are on late.

Maybe that is why they do that, so that you are not as devistated when your team loses. "Well, we lost, but we gained sleep." you could say to yourself to make you feel better. I know that sounds wimpy of me, but too bad. I like sleep.

As a kid I remember saying to myself, when I get old I will never go to sleep because my parents can't make me. I was wrong. I mean, my parents can't make me, but I do go to sleep. And I like it. Plus you go insane if you don't sleep and eventually it will kill you. All the more reason to sleep.

So in a way, the Yankees losing has made me a little less insane.

The Sick Passenger

You thought I was going to forget to blog today didn’t you. So little faith…. I have faith in you, you know. I know that if you just apply yourself you can do most anything. Because when you’ve got faith of the heart you can do anything. Oh Enterprise (the prequel to Star Trek) you are filled with such obvious wisdom. What did we ever do without you?

So my rant today has to do with the subway, specifically the sick passenger. I myself have never actually seen a sick passenger on the subway. But apparently it happens all the time. So we need to clear a few things up incase you find yourself on the train and feeling sick. Here are a few rules to live by…

Rules

1) Get off the train. If you are sick and you need medical attention, please note that the train conductor (who’s not really conducting any more, he’s more like hanging out and turning a little knob. Of course I don’t know what the old train conductors did, so in reality they might have done that too, but for the time being, let’s just saying he’s not conducting) is not a doctor. Odds are no one on the train is a doctor because they have enough money to take cabs. So pull your pained, withering body off the train so people can continue on the way.

2) If you must get sick on the train do it in a place that doesn’t suck. Like on the J line. No one takes the J line, or the M line of the Z line. (I was going to make a lame J, Z joke but I’m sure you can do that for yourself and as I said, it would have been lame.

3) The train will jolt when it starts moving. So like, watch out for that. I think most sick passengers are people who just fell when the train started moving. And I feel bad about that. I don’t want to see anyone (okay, I don’t want to see most people) get hurt but every single time the train starts moving, it jolts forward. It’s a 40 ton piece of metal that is going from still to not still, it’s going to jolt. Expect it. Wait until the train starts moving or sit down right away. You have been warned. From now on, if you fall I will laugh and push you out of the train at the next stop.

Those are my rules for now. There is a handy little section for comments write under this article if you would like to add some of your own rules or if you just want to tell me to go screw you can do that too. But if the latter is your choice, please be specific as to who you want me to screw (I would really prefer it if it were my girlfriend that you suggested since she gets a little angry when I consider screwing other girls). Have a nice day. (but after today, you are on your own buddy.)

Day 2 - An Asian Experience

Hey,

Welcome to day two of me being a blogger, (day one for you since no one knew I had this on day one. As I was wondering what to write about today a friend of mine passed along information that I have to share with everyone. It's good news. The wonderful martial artist, actor, producer and business man that is Steven Seagal is now also the maker of his own energy drink. That's right. Don't trust me. Check it out for yourself.

Lightningdrink.com

With such amazing choices as Asian Experience, Root Beer Rush and of course Cherry Charge, how could you go wrong. I mean seriously people, why aren't you drinking this right now. Don't you want the same energy that made Steven Seagal sort of a star. Sure some say that even DMX (in Exit Wounds) is a better actor and that even Seann William Scott (in The Rundown, co-starring the Rock) is a better action star, but none of them can match Steven's incredibly subdued energy. And none of them can make a drink out of pure juice.

So let's all make a root beer rush ice cream float and raise a glass of pure energy to Steven Seagal, for continuing to be ridiculous, long after people have forgotten who he is. Thanks for the memories Steven.

Now I'm a Blogger?

Hey, Y'all,

Apparently now I am a blogger. Does that make me a dork? Probably. But you're a dork too. You're reading a blog aren't you.... Look at me alienating my audience right off the top. I'm just kidding reader. I like you. You're listening to my inane bull crap. And with any luck there will be more inane crap for you to listen to. And more poor grammar and poor spelling and incomplete sentences. My hope is that my 5th grade English teacher will one day appear at my apartment and just beat the crap out of me. Then when someone says, "Hey, you spelled that wrong." I can say, "Well, I already got punched in the face for it, so shut up.

Anyway, that's my introduction to the world of blog. I have a geocities site that is called desperate ramblings, but since I am going to be starting up my own web page soon I will probably post all the articles on there on this page so that you can read them. (most of you have already read them, but hey, maybe some stranger will read this too.)

Talk to you soon,

Me